Inscribing Epistles
by The Magnificent Duo
Summary: Over the summer, Remus and Sirius are going to write to each other. Eventual SBRL at some point in the future Cowritten by Lykaios Nyx and Captain Oz.
1. Chapter 1

**Ta da! Yup, here it is. This fic is cowritten, by two people. The most amazing and wonderful Lykaios Nyx and Captain Oz. We own nothing. Except a bit of insanity. Lykaios is Remus, and Oz is Sirius. Um... yup, that's about it.**

**Oh, and there will be slash here. Eventually. So no saying we didn't warn you. Or Oz will attack you with her flamethrower of righteousness.**

Dear Remus,

Do I really have to call you Remus? It sounds like I'm your mother. I'm going to have to strongly resist the urge to talk about your underwear. Because, nice as I'm sure it is, I don't particularly want to talk about it… unless, of course, it's frilly and lacy. Then I'm your man. I want to see frilly lacy underwear at any time, even if it is being worn by one of my best friends. Um. Ok, I do realise that that statement could be taken as being highly disturbing. Ah well… thou knowest what I'm like.

Anyway… um… what was the point of this letter? Ah yes. I DO remember. Yup, I do. I promise this isn't just another random letter. There is a point to it. I think. Maybe. Ok, so there really isn't a point to this paragraph, but ah well.

Right. Yes. It's summer, now. The birds are buzzing merrily in the bushes, the bees are trilling happily in the- oh shit, I mucked that one up. Anyways- we broke up for the holidays not three days hence. Or is it since? I dunno, I always mix up those ones. Look, I'm highly intelligent. I can't be expected to get everything right the whole time. But, you looked rather mopey when I left you on the platform. I couldn't really stop to ask you anything- not with the harridan from Hell standing behind me and breathing down my back. I know it's full moon in a few days. Is it coz we're not going to be there with you? Moony, if there was any way I could be… you know I would, like a shot. I'd break through the walls and swing down to you, pick you up in my manly arms and defend you from the moon. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to leave the house. Mother found out about the detentions from last term (you'd think she'd be proud- I finally set a school record in something- but no, she's actually rather… ahem… pissed off). She's set up some kind of ward around the house. I tried to leave earlier and… well, let's just say that the ladies of Hogwarts will be disappointed for a while.

Hmm… now, what else to tell you… I don't think there really is much else. I miss you, of course. Just isn't right without me Moony and me Prongs at me side. And me Wormtail, obviously. I want you all back by my side. Selfish bastard that I am.

Right, Mother's coming upstairs, I need to send this before she gets here. Hope you're ok, don't waste away without me, and have fun… wherever you are. You never did say where you were going… you know I'm in London, but I don't know your location. That's mean. I'm pouting.

Shit, she's talking to Kreacher, write back soon.

Sirius.


	2. Chapter 2

Woo! Here's the next one. These letters excite me so. Aye, here there be slash. Or will be, in later chapters...letters...you know what I mean. If that squicks ya, you better turn back now. Because we warned you and Oz is mighty handy with that flamethrower of hers.

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Dear Sirius,

Considering that my name _is_ Remus you should call me that. Unless of course you have to call me Moony. Oh damn, you've noticed I have frilly, lacy underwear? Well what pair was it? Was it the blue ones? Or maybe the pink and green ones? I do realise what you're like. You're crazy is what you are. But I suppose that it's crazy in a good way. 

You're very observant, aren't ya Pads? It _is_ summer. Although, my birds don't buzz, they tweet. I have no doubts about how "highly intelligent" you are.

Can't keep anything from you, can I? It's alright, you didn't have to ask. I guess I was a bit mopey on the platform. I suppose you could say that it was because of the full moon. I just --- don't like being locked in the cellar. Especially without you guys.

You'd come and sweep me up in your manly arms, eh? Defending me from the moon. How romantic. And because you can't see me swooning, I'll tell you. I'm swooning…right now. Wish you could see it.

But like I said, don't worry about it. I've put up with it before. AND I lived through it.

I told you those detentions would bring bad things, didn't I? Wasn't it me who said "You know, you should be more careful about getting caught. You'll get more detentions. And detentions are bad for you." But did you listen? Of course you didn't.

I'm sure that the ladies of Hogwarts are trying to mend their broken hearts because you can't come and see them.

I miss you too Sirius, however much I wouldn't want to admit it. Okay that was a joke, I seriously miss you. Don't get too mopey about it. Of course it's not right with out me --- us there. And you are a selfish bastard, but I'll still be your friend.

Hope you don't get into trouble for writing to me. Well I know you'd get for writing to _me_, but I hope you didn't get caught.

Oh, sorry about not telling you. I'm at home right now, but we'll be leaving in a few days to go to France. Paris to be exact. We have to visit an old friend of Dad's. Don't pout Sirius, it makes me sad.

Be careful and I'll talk to you later,

Au revoir!

Remus


	3. Chapter 3

**Look at the speed of the update! Ok, not amazing- but be nice, life interferes. Anyway... you see, I would rather be locked in a telephone box with a lion than a monkey. Sorry, lapse into other fandom (yes, Oz is a sad individual).**

Dearest Moonykins, (yes I do have to call you that)

I KNEW IT! REMUS J LUPIN IS A RAGING TRANSVESTITE! There had to be some kind of deviancy under that buttoned up berobed exterior. No one can be as normal as you are. Well, apart from the obvious thing which I'm not allowed to talk about and which I am not going to dignify by using that stupid name Prongs invented. Idiot that he is.

Anyway, I'm going to take photos of you in your frilly lacy underwear and stick them up around school. Actually… it might be too much for some people. Your oh so sexy body might overload their brains and turn them into gibbering wrecks. If they're Slytherins we wouldn't notice the difference, of course.

I did get into a little bit of trouble… In hindsight, standing at the window and shouting 'fly, my pretty' wasn't good for keeping cover. Ah well… I can cope. Just a couple of months, and then it's back off to sunny Hogwarts.

You shouldn't have to be locked up in a cellar. Remus, I don't care if you've done it a million times before. You still shouldn't have to go through it. When I'm older, I'm going to find something that'll make it better. I'll find some kind of cure.

Did you really say that detentions are bad for me? I don't remember that…

So, can I be as selfish and bastardy as I want? And you'll still be my friend? And 'siriusly' miss me? (You did walk into that one- you wrote it)

Hope your trip to France proceedth well… wish I could go on holiday. A lot easier to hide from family when you're in a different country (not that I would ever do that of course. I am a good boy) Any kind of holiday romances, my dearest chum? Or maybe… you're keeping yourself for someone. Tell me. Or I'll pout. I need something to do while I'm stuck in this house- planning your impending nuptials may as well be my holiday project. Sod homework.

Swoon some more. Go on.

Why does my pouting make you sad? Is it because I'm so incredibly sexy?

I'm always careful. You'd better be careful- in a foreign country. Hope you're ok.

Ciao bella!

Sirius


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Eeek! So sorry for the lack of update! Entirely my (Lykaios) fault. Oh well, accidents happen. Now, on to the story!

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Sirius,

Prongs **is **an idiot, but then again I'm not sure if I should be agreeing with the person who called me "Dearest Moonykins".

You caught me again! I **_am_** a transvestite. I'm rolling my eyes now Padfoot. Wish you were here so you could see me doing it.

If it's not my "oh so sexy body" that turns their brains into gibbering wrecks, my scars would certainly do the trick. As a matter of fact, I don't think it would be my sexiness that would make their brains turn to mush at all. It **would** be my scars. So if you don't mind, I'd like to keep the pictures of my nonexistent frilly lacy underwear off of the walls of Hogwarts. Or any where that people could see for that matter.

No you probably shouldn't haven been yelling at your bird. But I hope your punishment wasn't too awfully bad.

Don't worry about it Sirius. Just a couple of months and then back to sunny Hogwarts, yeah? Your concern flatters me, truthfully. I appreciate the effort.

I did, in fact, say that detentions were bad for you. A couple of times actually. Detentions are like solitary confinement, they are. Unless of course your serving your detention with someone else. Then it's just more of a night in jail.

Yes, you can be as selfish and bastardy (which by the way, is not an adjective) as you want and I'd still be your friend. 'Siriusly'. Once again, I'm rolling my eyes. Okay not really, only as much as I can stand. Which is a lot I suppose. I've put up with it for this long, haven't I? Yes, I did walk into that one. Unfortunately.

You should have said something, I could have asked mum if you could have came along. Could have kept each other company. Now all I have is Oncle Audric and Tante Orane (who, by the way, are not my real uncle and aunt).

Erm…no. There's no holiday romances for me. And what if I was keeping myself for someone? Hypothetically speaking, of course. Because I'm not. Now, now. Don't go off pouting.

Even if I did have imminent nuptials, **you** would **not **be doing the planning, dear Padfoot. You really should be doing your homework Sirius.

Here, I'll swoon once more for you. Okay I'm swooning, if only you could see me now.

Yes, someone as incredibly sexy as you should not be pouting. It makes all of the rest of us feel unequally sexy. And sad. Makes us completely weepy.

You, always careful? Please, don't make me laugh. Besides, France isn't all that foreign anyway.

I'll be careful, don't worry your pretty little head.

Bye,

Remus

P.S: I am _so not_ a transvestite!


	5. Chapter 5

**Apologies for this one being a bit late. Oz has been off camping and has yet to get back to reality. Also, she's being distracted by shiny TV (her new fav quiz show had three different episodes on last night. Happy girlie)**

Dear Remus (fine, if you don't want any nicknames… Yes, I am going to sulk)

I've seen your baby photos, remember. I know all about how your parents expected a girl. I know you used to wear pink. I know EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, Mr Lupin, so don't try pretending. You are a transvestite, and I'll hear no more about it. Don't see that there's anything wrong with it… some transvestites are quite sexy. I will deny ever saying that if you tell anyone.

If people did say your scars were what put them off you, then they'd be stupid stupid people. Your scars are amazing. They show how strong you are. I'll maim anyone who says they make you look ugly.

Detention is good for the soul, you cheeky git. It builds character. And in any case- I've got to maintain my reputation. Do you have any idea how many young Hogwarts students look up to me? Loads. They look to me to define how it is they must act. Without my guiding influence, future Hogwarts alumni would believe that it is their duty to act as studiously as possible. And therefore miss out on a lot of fun. Just think, Remmie, how much fun we've had these past few years, trying desperately hard to annoy as many people as possible. Especially if they're Slytherin.

Bastardy is an adjective. At least it is if I say it is. I am the all powerful Padfoot. Nations tremble before me. So don't think that you're gonna be any different. I can make up any word I want. And am I really that bad? I'm sorry if I am… I try to look after you, Rem. Don't want you to think I'm a bastard.

Do you really think your family would have wanted me there? Remus, I'm a Black. One of the evil pureblood families so up itself it's looking out of its own mouth. Yes, that does make sense. Let's face it Rem, they probably wouldn't want someone like me there. Mother wouldn't have let me go anyway. She never even lets me go to Prongs' house- I have to sneak out and catch the Knight Bus.

Remus… if you were keeping yourself for someone, then I'd firstly have to ask who. Then I'd have to see if they were good enough for you. Does that mean you've never… you know? If not, you poor boy. I know several girls who'll put you right in a jiffy. Oodles of talent (like the words I've learnt?)

I'm hurt you don't want my wedding planning skills. Hurt.

I won't worry about you… I've got enough to fill my pretty little head with.

Sirius

PS- Do you think it'd be possible to fly to where you are? By broom? I want to get out, Rem, I need out. Now.


	6. Chapter 6

A/Z: bows head So sorry for the delay in the updates. Lykaios has submerged herself into the world of Jack Sparrow/Will Turner and RPS - Johnny Depp/Orlando Bloom. Interesting things, if you ask her. Any spelling/grammar mistakes belong to Lykaios...

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Dear Sirius,

If you really want to call me "Moonykins" then it's okay. I don't mind, really.

Well, if some transvestites are sexy, then I guess it's fine. Wasn't my fault I had to wear pink. Now I'm the one who's pouting. I'll probably go off to my room after I write this and sulk my heart out. Then what would you do?

If you plan on maiming people who think a vast amount of scars are horrendously ugly, then you better start sharpening those doggy teeth of yours. But once again, I appreciate your words.

I do have to admit that we had loads of fun. But we could have studied more, it's not like it would have hurt us or anything. Especially Peter. But, I **do** like having fun and pulling **_harmless_** pranks. I suppose that everyone's wrong about me when they think that all I do is study, yeah?

Which nations tremble before you exactly? And I do not tremble before you. If anything, **you** tremble before **me**. Me and my ---- well you know what I mean. Because I, too, refuse to use that stupid name Prongs came up with---- strength.

You're not bad at all, Siri. I was just kidding. I know you look out for me. And to be quite frank, I like it that way. You're not a bastard, I promise.

Sure, why wouldn't they want you around? Besides the evil family, "_Pureblood Power!"_ thing. Mum likes you well enough. Dad just agrees with her all of the time.

Oh, so you can sneak out and catch the Knight Bus to visit James, but not me? Oh now I will certainly be pouting my heart out later.

I said hypothetically speaking, Padfoot. And who said that I haven't --- you know? I don't ever remembering saying that and meaning that I have never had sex. And I don't want any of your girls to "put me right in a jiffy". I'm sure they are talented. But I don't want them. Sorry.

And yes, I'm very proud of the words that you've learnt.

Sirius, have you ever actually planned a wedding before? And I don't think that the wedding between those two ants you found on your doorstep count.

You won't worry about me? At all? I didn't mean that you shouldn't worry any. Just not too much is all. Now I am one sad Moony. Sad, sad, sad.

Love,

(A very sad and pouty) Remus

P.S. You can. It might take a bit to do so, but you can. Be sure to owl if you're coming tomorrow (if you're coming at all) and I'll meet you somewhere. If you are leaving so you can come tomorrow, _Please be careful_. I'd hate to lose my Padfoot.

PPS: Still _not_ a (_real_) transvestite!


	7. Chapter 7

**We've been told we shouldn't get distracted by other fandoms. Oopsy... but who can resist the amazingness that is Stephen Fry? And Paul Merton -:Oz alone on her raft of Englishness:-**

Moony,

As you have probably noticed (being rather an intelligent chap and everything) I haven't flown out of my window and across to you and the French lot. This would be because of what my charming harridan of a mother has done to my broom.

The bitch burnt it.

And she didn't even have the decency to tell me. Instead, I got Regulus turning up in my doorway and grinning at me. He chucked the ashes at me before running away fast. He knows I could pummel him into the ground.

I know what your sulking is. You sit on your bed and read. And ignore me until I beg you to talk. Meanie.

The teeth are already sharp. I've been gnawing on Kreacher's bones for a week. Don't make that face which I know you're making- the one where your mouth goes all thin and you get little lines in between your eyes. I haven't really killed him. Although it becomes a more attractive prospect daily.

Yes, you do more than study. You're the evil genius one. AND HARMLESS PRANKS ARE NO FUN. Studying would hurt. There's not enough room in little Peter's brain for thinking about school and pranks. And concentrating on breathing without turning purple.

The nation of Toyboata trembles before me. I see you tremble. I tremble for no one.

My family are evil, Rem. They're all bad. Have you not heard what my dad's trying to do? I don't want your parents to look at me as if I'm like that. And if we were in France, everyone who asked about my name would know what the family is like, and they'd hate me for it. Over there they wouldn't be as scared to hurt me.

I only sneak out to visit James because I know if Mother finds out then she can't do anything to James. But if it's you, then she can hurt you. I don't want that to happen.

Hypothetically speaking is just double talk, Moonykins! I know full well that you like someone, and now you must tell me. Or I shall pout verily unto the skies. You said you were keeping yourself… but if you're not, then who have you had sex with? And why was I not informed IMMEDIATELY? Who's your best friend, RJ Lupin? And, if you don't want any of my girls, who do you want?

I could plan any wedding. I have astounding organisational skills. And Tabitha and Harold are still happily involved, ta very much.

I worry about you all the time.

Love and hugs and kisses,

Sirius

PS: Do you die if you jump out of a window?

PPS: You are a transvestite.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: It won't let me add a line thingy. Which disappoints me. Terribly. Read on, faithful erm...readers.

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Padfoot,

Sorry to hear about your broom. That must be awful. Are you going to be able to get a new one? How did she know that you were even going to use it, anyway?

You won't be pummeling anyone anytime soon. I won't approve.

I do _not _sit on my bed and read when I sulk. Oh no. You see, I've improved on my sulking skills. I'm good at it now. I'm not mean either! And I don't ignore you! You're rather hard to ignore actually.

You shouldn't be so mean to that house elf. I realize that he's a right awful little bugger, but one of these days being mean to him will come back to bite you on the ass.

I am certainly an evil genius. I wonder if any of the muggle jobs out there require you to be an evil genius? Probably not. Peter can't help it that he's…not exactly as smart and wonderful as we are. We really shouldn't bug him about it.

The nation of _Toyboata_? I do not tremble before you! I don't ever remember trembling because of you. Not even once. And you _certainly_ tremble before me. I've seen it happen.

No, I've not heard what your dad is trying to do, considering I've been (and still am) in France and your father is in **_England_**. Tell me about it. Not everyone would think of you like that, Siri. Mum and Dad **_wouldn't _**look at you like that. They know you're not like them.

You'll **_never_** be like them. Ever. _I won't let you_. Not that you would want to, but I'm just saying that to emphasize my point.

Your old banshee hag of a mother wouldn't do anything to me. Why would she even want to "soil her robes with rubbish like me"?

Why, exactly, must I tell you who it is that I like? I, Remus Lupin, had sex with someone that I met at a museum. I'll thank you for asking, more like demanding to know. Last summer actually. July maybe? You weren't told immediately because I didn't figure that you'd need to know?

_You _are my best friend, Siri. If I knew that it was that important to you, then I would have told you.

And you're also the only one who can get away with calling me RJ and not getting into **_big_** trouble for it (Be glad for that)!

Once again, I'm not telling you who I want.

Well give my regards to Tabitha and Harold, then. How long have they been together, now?

I'm glad that you worry about me, in a way. It makes me feel loved. All warm and fuzzy inside.

I worry about you too, Paddy. Mostly during the Summer Holiday. Or anytime you have to back to Grimmauld. I don't like you having to stay there. At all.

Hugs, Love, and Kisses to you as well,

Remus

PS - You could. Depends on how high the window is from the ground. And how you hit the ground. And other things as well. **_Please do NOT try it, Sirius._** I'm sure it would result in a disaster that I know I wouldn't be too fond of.

PPS - I'm not a transvestite and if you continue to claim so, I will bite you. Hard. And then I'll pout.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is dedicated to all the people in England (and elsewhere) who have either received AS/A level results today, or are getting GCSE results next week. **

Moony,

I'll get a new one somehow… maybe when I go to Diagon Alley to get school books- she may let me out then. Or I'll just have to owl James, get him to buy it, and then pay him back when we're at school again. I NEED A BROOM. Otherwise I'll never get to kick James' arse at Quidditch again. And yes, I know he's the better player. But the principle remains.

Who knows how she knows anything? Kreacher might be listening in on me talking in my sleep… which raises all sorts of questions. I feel violated. That's why I have to be mean to him. Or else he might do anything to me in my sleep.

Oh, Rem, PLEASE let me pummel Regulus. You know he's a cock. Just one swift pummelling. Then I promise I'll behave. I know you can't see it, but I am fluttering my eyelashes to assure you of my innocence.

Rem, I know what you do all the time. I know what you're doing when you're sulking. I know when you're happy. I know when you're sad. I can read you like one of those dreaded books you insist on poisoning your mind with. You do ignore me at times… it makes me unhappy. Deeply.

Become dictator of the world. Anyway, why do you need a muggle job? You can come be an Auror with me. James reckons he's going to be either Evans' slave or an England Quidditch star. I'm looking into gigolo as an alternate career path.

Toyboata. It's where Tabitha and Harold live their happy ant lives. You trembled once… I'm sure you did. I remember seeing it. And ok, but you're the only one who can make me tremble.

My dad… Rem, I don't even want to write down what he's doing. It's so filthy, and I hate it so much. But you'll only moan if I don't tell you, so it may as well be me who tells you. He's trying to get all those he calls 'halfbreeds' sterilised. He wants to make it so you can't have children. It's all so much bollocks, Rem, but he's trying to get it pushed through by the Ministry. And your parents would hate me for that. They wouldn't get any grandkids from you.

Won't I be like them? I'm already doing stuff like they'd want…

And don't tempt fate, mother would do things to you. She knows… how much I care about you. You're my best mate, after all.

Biting me sounds kinky. Go on, you know you want to.

TELL ME WHO YOU LIKE, OR THE TRANSVESTITE PICTURES GET POSTED.

Sirius

PS- Jumping might be painful. I may fashion a parachute and glide away.

PPS- I wasn't going to write this bit, but ah well it's late at night and I'm mad. I'll send it as soon as I finish this bit. Why would I want to know when you had sex? You're my mate. James tells me everything, why won't you do the same? It hurts. And did you even get a name for this person? Ok, I'd expect that sort of thing from me. But not you.


	10. Chapter 10

Why aren't the lines working! It's driving me crazy! Ah, let me just say...school has started back...bleh.

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Sirius,

I'm sure James won't mind doing that if it comes down to it. I just won't comment on the Quidditch matter, considering that James is a better player and I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Why do you feel so violated if Kreacher just heard you talking about flying away? Or was Mr. Padfoot moaning and groaning about something else while he was asleep?

Try not to take your anger out on the house-elf too much.

I can picture you fluttering your eyelashes in my mind. So, if you're going to pummel Regulus, then don't do it when and where I can see it. Then you can't do it again.

Have you been studying me, dear Padfoot? Sounds an awful lot like you have. Let me tell you a secret, I'm not the only one who seems so easy to read. And I'll fill you in on something else, I'm not the only one who does the ignoring.

I wouldn't want to be dictator of the world. Just doesn't seem like fun. Besides if I were the dictator, then you'd be under my rule. And then what would I do without you? And James for that matter?

A muggle job would work fine, considering not many people in the Wizarding World would want to hire a werewolf. Now would they? I suppose I might try to become an Auror. That is, _if _they'll hire a werewolf.

James is a right prat. I doubt that Evans _would want_ him as her slave. I don't recommend becoming a gigolo.

So Toyboata is an ant nation? A nation of purely ANTS? No wonder they trembled before you. I'd be scared if an incredibly large foot started to mush me into Remus-goop. Except for the nation of Toyboata it wouldn't be Remus-goop, but ant-goop.

HA! I knew I could make you tremble! And I'm the only one who can do it! I'm laughing evilly right now. If only you could hear it. Okay, okay. I might have trembled before you, _once_. But only once I tell you!

Your dad is just one big cockhead.

But Siri, don't get me wrong, I'd love to have kids. Really would. And mum and dad would love to have grandkids, but…they won't be getting any unless they have another kid. Which isn't going happen. And they know that unless some miracle occurs or I adopt, they won't be having grandkids.

They wouldn't hate you if that happened, Padfoot. Maybe your Dad, but _never_ you.

Sirius Orion Black! **_You will never, and when I say never I mean never, be like them. Ever. _**You're not like them Padfoot. If you were, why would you be writing letters to me? Why would you be my best mate ever in the entire world? You wouldn't. If you were like them, you'd have your nose so far up in the air that you'd drown if it started raining. You'd be looking down it at everyone. And you **don't** do that Paddy. You don't and you **won't**. You're better than that.

Aww, you care about me? I care about you too! And right about now, I'm fluttering my eyelashes and making kissy lips.

Don't think I won't bite you. You just wait.

Still not telling.

Remus

PS - Have fun with that parachute.

PPS - You're not mad at me, are you? Please don't be. Please? I really will pout and sulk if you are. And it won't be my 'reading-ignoring-you sulk'. It will be my 'making-sad-eyes-but-never-really-saying-what's-wrong-sighing-loudly-and-being-unusually-quiet-for-a-long-period-of-time' sulk. Yes, I realise that I'm your mate. And I also realise that James tells you everything. But I'm different from James, in more ways then one. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I really didn't mean to at all. If I'd have known that it was _that_ important I would have told you _first_ thing. And yes, I got a name, you dolt.  
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Hmmm...still no line. That's awful. I hate it. Bleh...There was something else I was going to say...can't rightly remember what it is right now. Oh well, hope you enjoyed this chapter. Any mistakes? I'm terribly, terribly sorry about them.


	11. Chapter 11

**Join the anti-flamer crusade. Please. Go to oz-wraith . livejournal . com / 2054 . html (without the spaces)**

Rem,

I'm sorry, wouldn't you feel violated if there was someone in your room listening to you sleep? Kreacher could be doing ANYTHING while he's there. He could be… well, I don't need to go into details. As for what I dream about… well, you'll just have to guess. Imagine what sordid things could be happening in my dreams. Actually, I think Regulus must be getting Kreacher to do it. Because yesterday he made a comment about someone, and he'd only have known what to say if he knew my dream… argh! My thoughts are being read!

I may have already pummelled Regulus, as a result of the aforementioned comment. Well, he did deserve it. You should have heard what he said… honestly, that bastard so needed a kicking. I got caught again though… so blame that on how long this letter has taken. Mother took Diablo, my dearest and sweetest owl, away. Luckily I managed to order Kreacher to feed him. Otherwise I might have had to thrown this letter out of the window and hoped.

I don't study you. That makes it sound like I'm in love with you, or something stupid like that. Yes, because every minute of every day is spent staring at your face and learning its every contour.

Sometimes you deserve to be ignored.

DICTATOR WOULD BE SO COOL! You'd get to tell everyone what to do. They'd have to obey your every whim under pain of… well, pain. No more stupid people. Snape would be outlawed. I wouldn't be under your rule, of course- I'd be your faithful doggy advisor. James could… sweep the floors. That's a good use of his broom.

You being a werewolf shouldn't have anything to do with anything. How does that affect your ability to work? Ok, so for about two days a month you're conked out. But still. I'd employ you, you're a much better worker than me. Anyway, can't you lie? Just don't tell them you're a werewolf. Take days off every month.

Be an Auror. We can make t-shirts.

I'd be a good gigolo. Lots of money in that business. Wouldn't you pay lots of money to see my naked body? Writhing either above or below you, depending on your preference?

Toyboata isn't just made up of ants. Bruce the cow is the Grand Vizier. Although, as everyone knows, Grand Viziers are evil. Bruce isn't though. He's a dude. And I would not be able to squash a cow. I could try. But probably couldn't.

Don't get too cocky, Mr Lupin, with your evil laughing at my trembling. I'm sure there'll be someone else someday with that power. Ok, most other people won't be able to rip my head off if I offend them, but I'm sure there'll be others…

Rem… why won't you be having kids? I can just imagine them. A little Wemmie and Wemmina. Coz they won't be able to pronounce Rs. They'll both wear glasses and speak with lisps. And play with Uncle Siri on a regular basis. Isn't that just a picture of domestic bliss? You and your lovely woman are inside, shagging each other, while I look after the kids outside. The sacrifices I make for my friends.

Remus… about me being like them… the Sorting Hat, back in First Year, it wanted to put me in Slytherin. I screamed at it though, and so it put me in Gryffindor. But it said I had Slytherin tendencies. I was proud. Selfish. Other things that those goits are.

Let us care about each other. We don't need the rest of the world. Just you and me, Remmie, living on our own little island.

I think I'd like being a werewolf. I'd get time off school.

Tell me. Or I'll moan forever more.

Sirius

PS- I was a bit mad at you… but I suppose I can forgive you. Just this once. Remus, I want you to tell me everything. It's always important when it's you. And of course you're not James. If this was a letter to James it'd be full of innuendo and allusions to how pathetic he is in bed. Which really aren't illusions, I hear all the gossip in school. Don't tell him that though, he'll kill me.

PPS- So, what's this name?


	12. Chapter 12

Sirius,

I suppose that I would feel violated. If I were talking about some big secret. But only if I knew that I was talking in my sleep. Which, doesn't seem quite possible, considering that I would, in fact, be asleep at the time I was talking. But I suppose you know what I mean. I reckon that you _do_ dream horridly sordid things.

What did Regulus say?

I told you that you shouldn't thrash him. But if he deserved it, then it's okay. For just this once.

You don't study me? I'm deeply wounded. Why would being in love be stupid? Or is it just "being in love" with me?

You've learned my face's every contour, have you? Interesting indeed.

I don't deserve to be ignored! I am highly offended by that! Why would I deserve to be ignored? Bah humbug!

I wouldn't want to tell _everyone_ what to do. Way too much responsibility. I have enough trouble keeping you lot in line. Ah, just what I needed - a faithful doggy advisor! And if I were dictator, Severus would not be outlawed. Although, I suppose that we could have James sweep the floor. I'd laugh at him. Hysterically.

People just don't like werewolves, Sirius. Ferocious, Blood-lusting, Flesh devouring, _monsters_, we are. I don't particularly care for lying, Pads. But I guess that if it comes down to it, I will.

Okay, I'll be an Auror. And I'll hold you up on the promise of making t-shirts.

Of course I would. Depending on my preference? Hmmm… You'd make money in that profession. But think of all of the gross, nasty people who would be the ones you'd have to _show a good time_. People like…Peter (no offense to him, of course).

Well at least some of the inhabitants of Toyboata would be safe for your foot.

Nope, no others to make you tremble. That position is reserved for me, and solely me. And I don't think I would rip your head off. Although, if I had enough provocation I _might_.

No. There won't be a little Wemmie and Wemmina who won't be able to pronounce their R's right and talk with a lisp. There won't be any cubs running around wearing glasses either. And Uncle Siri won't be playing with them, because they won't exist. And neither will my "lovely woman", whom I won't be shagging. So you won't have to sacrifice anything.

_I had, and still have, Slytherin tendencies. _Does that make _me _like them? That fact that I'm a Dark Creature, no matter if they like me or not, does that make me like them? I'm selfish as well.

You're not like that Padfoot. So what if you're selfish! Everyone can be selfish at one point in time. And proud, you wouldn't be you if you weren't proud. But you're not proud like they are. You don't go around spewing nonsense about Purebloods being the best thing since wands.

You're not the one who's trying to keep me, along with the other half-breeds, from having kids. You don't have silver items sprawled out your own living area like _someone_ I know. _**You** **don't** look at me with hate, disgust, and fear etched into your features_. And you have certainly, never, ever spat at me (if you did I would have to hurt you. Terribly. Spitting is gross).

We will care about each other. Where might this island be located at? Somewhere warm? We would need food though. So we couldn't be _entirely_ alone.

You would **_not_** like being a werewolf. **Ever. **

Remus

PS - Because you can't stop bugging me about it, and I don't want you to be mad at me. Campbell. That's the name.

PPS - I have no doubt about how much gossip you hear.


	13. Chapter 13

**Does anyone know how to operate on shredders? Coz I'm doing mine... with an American accent and a limp. So I can be Hugh Laurie. **

Remmie poo,

Yay! Back in the country! This means my letters will get back a lot quicker… it does make the time go by quicker. And I can go back, read your letters, and remember that yes- there is life outside this house.

You'd know about it if you got taunted about your big secret. By someone who you REALLY didn't want to know. Like your prat of a younger brother, who could reveal all to your parents if he so wished.

My dreams are occasionally sordid. Not much though. The recent ones have been… just rather sweet, really. Scary though.

I don't want to tell you what Regulus said. He won't say anything like it again anyway, so it's out of the way. In the past. Forgotten.

Being in love with you isn't stupid. You do realise that a load of the girls at school fancy you? You've got the whole quiet, shy, shexy thing going on. I just meant… well, it's me, isn't it. And it's you. Me and you. We can't be… in love. Love is for girls who want flowers and romance.

Your face- yes, I know it well. You have a mole on your neck. I know that's not _technically_ your face, but ah well.

You deserve to be ignored when you're being an arse. Like when you're keeping secrets from me (I hold grudges, you know that) or when you've been defending Snivellus. He doesn't need defending.

He should be outlawed. By everyone. He's smelly and greasy.

Just laugh at James anyway. I mean, his hair is pretty funny.

You're NOT a 'ferocious, blood-lusting, flesh devouring, _monster'_. I don't give a toss what those idiots say- I know you, Rem. You're sweet and gentle and kind. A much better person than me. Ok, so for one day a month you might kill someone. But you don't, because we don't let you.

I'm designing the t-shirt as we speak. Or write. Or whatever.

I'm curious, Rem. Are you actually thinking about whether you'd want me on top or below? And I'd only allow good looking people to have my body. Everyone else could look but not touch. I'd keep my wand prepared to keep them away… hehehe, that's funny. I know I'm immature…

I knew you were mean at times. I'm going to keep that comment about Peter as evidence.

Maybe there'll be some kind of woman for me with the power to make me tremble. Or would that not be part of their duties- nah, I bet you'd snap at them if they tried to make me tremble.

What kind of provocation would induce the ripping off of the head? I'm curious, just in case I someday have a death wish.

WHY won't there be any cubs? Remus, you've got to have kids. James probably won't have any- he'll still be in love with Evans, and the day she deigns to go out with him will the day I snog Peter in the Great Hall. Peter's kids will ooze a bit. I'm not having any. So you have to have some so I can play with them. I need one good reason why you won't have cubs.

Ok, so you're a Dark Creature, for one night a month. But you're not! Hello? Re, you always think about what's best for the group. You never get detentions. You're the damn prefect! And I've never seen you be malicious to anyone.

So I'm ok with all my flaws? As long as you think so… Obviously I'm not trying to keep you from having kids, I'm trying to make you have them. And you know, when James had all that silver- he was just being an arse. He never meant for you to find it. Actually… I know you'll tell me off for this, but I beat him up after I found out. Rem, I'm also not your aunt and uncle- I'm not paranoid about you going loco on me and trying to rend me limb from limb. They're bigoted idiots. Who we will kill when the revolution comes (along with my entire family. Apart from Andromeda, I like her).

The island will be in a special place where only we shall go. And we shall keep chickens. And a cow called Daisy. And vegetables. And other things. And I bet I'm annoying you with all these 'ands'. I don't want anyone else, they'd spoil it.

OK, I bow to your superior wisdom. But what about being a vampire? I might enjoy that. Mind you, I already think Snape is one… don't want to be like him.

Siri

PS- What Campbell? It's hardly romantic, is it, referring to someone by their surname as you're shagging them? 'Oh, Campbell, yes, harder, right there'. Feel the love.

PPS- Tell me ALL.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for the wait...laziness and school have taken over my life. Oh well...uhm, yeah so here it is. Oz, if you're reading this...Chapter 22 will be coming...lol. I'm just not sure when exactly.  
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Siri-kins (yes, if you can call me Remmie Poo, then I can call you Siri-kins) ,

Yes, back in the country and back in my own bed. Thank Merlin for that! I didn't think that I'd ever escape the evil clutches of Tante Orane. Okay, they weren't actually _evil_, evil clutches. They were more like _"Oh-Remmi-Darling-You've-Grown-So-Much-and-I'm-Going-to-Continue-Pinching-Your-Cheeks-and-Doting-On-You-Until-It-Makes-You-Want-to-Blow-Chunks!" _evil clutches. And let me tell you that I did want to hurl. I'm pretty sure that I also had the urge to savagely rip her hand from her arm if she were to ruffle my hair one more time.

Back in the country also means that _your_ letters will get _here_ quicker. Why of course there's life outside your house. There's me isn't there?

I know what it's like to be taunted because of a secret. Especially by someone that you didn't want to know.

A sweet, scary dream? Do tell, I'm enchanted by your descriptions now.

You don't want to tell me what Regulus said? Says the boy who wants me to tell him who I had sex with. Even when I said 'no' at first. Pish posh, I say, pish posh.

Where have you seen these girls, pray, tell? What if I wanted romance? No flowers though, most of them make me sneeze something terrible. Aye, it's you and it's me. So, guys can't be in love, eh? I would like to point out that James fancies himself in love with Lily, BUT James is a git so that would probably just go to show you that love _is_ for girls who want romance and flowers.

Yeah, I've got a mole on my neck. You've got freckles. So there. I'm sticking my tongue out at you, just so you know.

If I deserve to be ignored for keeping secrets, then so should you. Which by the way, you're keeping a secret now. You won't tell me what Regulus said. But, if you seriously don't want to tell me (don't even _think_ about the name pun. I don't want to hear - or READ - it), then you don't have to.

You really shouldn't be so hard on him. I'd say it's the potions that make him smelly and greasy. And I'll have you know that sometimes you don't always smell the best.

Yes I think that I will laugh at James. Just because. His hair is delightfully funny.

You're a good person as well Siri. You're kindhearted and loyal to boot. Unless you run into Severus. Or your family. But I'm sure you get the picture.

When, exactly, will these t-shirts be done? And what exactly will they say? I'm a little scared to ask.

Oh ha-ha. What a lovely wand joke. As for my preference. Depends on who I'm with really. Oh you're so self-satisfied, aren't you? Would you want to be top or bottom?

Even though it would terribly hard to resist, I suppose that I'd only snap at them if you wanted me to. Although, if you kept me from snapping at them, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to.

Provocation? Oh you know, the normal things: stealing my chocolate (unless you plan on sharing the aforementioned stolen chocolate), reading my journal and then taunting me about the things written inside, etc, etc. Oh, and if I had a lover they should know that cheating would be considered provocation. Steer away from the cheating.

Let's hope you aren't going to have a death wish. I'd hate to have to tear that pretty head from your shoulders.

Maybe you should start slathering your lips in chap stick; get them ready to be pressed against…Peter's. Sorry about the wobbly writing right there, I gave myself the heebie jeebies thinking about that. Our dear Lily Evans seems to be surrendering to James's charms. They'll end up together. You watch.

There won't be any cubs, Sirius. Unless I plan to adopt. From Muggles. One good reason, eh? Well why don't you give me one good reason as to why _you_, my dear Sirius, won't be having any puppies of your own. Then I might be persuaded to give you my reasoning.

Ah! I've had _a_ detention. Actually spent it with Dumbledore up in his office talking to him, reading books, and eating his candies. I got said detention because I…mouthed off to Professor Delano. He shouldn't have assigned that stupid Werewolf essay anyway.

As long as I'm okay with my flaws, you're okay with yours. I'm not having kids anyway. So you won't be keeping me from it.

I know James didn't mean for me to find it, but Merlin's balls it hurt! I've still got the scars on my hand from the bathroom faucet and doorknobs. Not to mention the other various silver made things lying about. They're rather pretty designs, but I'd rather not have them on my hand. Actually, I'd rather not have them on me at all.

SIRIUS! I can't believe you did that! I reckon it's okay though. You did it for me. I'm swooning again.

Yes my aunt and uncle are bigoted idiots. Maybe that's why they've got all of that silver stuff sitting out as well. Hmmm, yep. Yep, that's the reason. They hate me. And I don't actually care. They can hate me all they want. I've never done anything to them other than scaring their cat, Berlioz, just by entering the room. Funny though, that's never happened with any other cats. Just Berlioz. He must hate me too. Oh well. He's an ugly cat anyway. Now, now. No killing is going to happen. Can't have us being murders, now can we? That wouldn't blow over well with the Ministry. I suppose, that if we did decide to kill them, we could spare Andromeda, she's alright.

What will the chickens' names be? I mean, we named the cow. Well actually you named the cow, but don't the chickens need names too? Not even James? Would he spoil it too?

AH-HA! See I've had you trembling and now you're _bowing_ before me! I am the greatest.

I don't know about being a vampire, but if it has anything to do with Severus, you might as well stay away from it. It'll only cause you trouble.

Remus

P.S - You didn't specify whether it had to be a first name or a last name. I can tell you that it was certainly not romantic, as it wasn't _meant_ to be romantic. At least it wasn't _this_ time. And I didn't call out "Campbell" either. It was Porter. Porter Campbell is the name. I'll also have you know that Porter Campbell is a friend from France. We met last time I visited Tante Orane and Oncle Audric.

PPS - I'm not sure you're ready for it ALL.


	15. Chapter 15

**_prances in_**

**Hello campers! Oz apologises for her shoddiness. And Lyk... the next chapter is coming. Slowly but surely. I really hate applying to uni, basically.**

Dear Sexy Knickers,

Don't you like being fussed over? Come on! It's one of the best feelings in the world. It makes you feel like you're the important one. The centre of the universe… mind you, I suppose you're not egotistical enough to want that. Next time I see you, I'm going to ruffle your hair. A lot.

Sometimes it's hard to remember you exist. After all, you might just be a figment of my imagination. Wooooooooo…

What's this about being teased over a secret? Crap, Rem, does someone know? If they do, don't worry, I'll get rid of them. Us Blacks have contacts everywhere.

Um… ok, I'll tell you my dream, but you're not allowed to tell anyone. I'm with someone. Someone who I just confessed my undying love for. And they kiss me, but then my mum comes. And she splits us up, killing my one true love in front of me, using Crucio again and again and again. It's really scary Rem. I don't like it.

I should know everything, I am sexy. I don't want to tell you what Regulus said because he is a cock.

Pish posh? You sound like a posh old man.

These girls are all over the school. If you can't see them, then it's your own stupid fault. You're always too far into a book to notice people staring at you over the bacon, giving a satisfied sigh as your fingers brush theirs when you pass them the pie.

Why would you want romance? If you love someone, you don't need to tell them every two seconds by being stupidly sentimental. They should just know. Guys can be in love… it's just… well, you and me. We're mates, aren't we? And mates shouldn't be in love. Because then it'd all get weird. And I don't like weird. Well, not with mates.

I don't keep secrets! Not big ones, anyway. If I do keep them, it's only coz I'm trying to protect you.

YOU'RE MEAN. I DON'T SMELL.

James' hair is a cruel affliction. I pity any children he has.

I'm nice until I meet someone I'm not nice to…

These t-shirts will be ready for our first day as Aurors. And as for what they say- I'm not telling. That'd spoil the surprise!

My wand, normally, isn't something I joke over. Very serious business, my wand. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't mind where I go. So long as I get paid. After all, this body doesn't look after itself. Be cool if it did, but unfortunately not.

Oo, my very own Moony to control women with. Can I keep you on a leash?

Right, so no stealing of the journal. Why? Moonykins, what do you write in there? I know. It's your sick fantasies about Madame Pomfrey, isn't it? Rem, I've told you before. That's wrong.

Knew you thought I was pretty. Love you too, Remmy baba.

NO! Evans will remain pure and unsullied by James! I have faith in her abilities. I'm not snogging Peter. Over my rotting corpse.

I'm not having any puppies because I don't think any woman is good enough for me. I don't want to have to waste all that time and effort on one person. I'd like the kids, but women just aren't worth it. All they're good for is a quick shag. Your turn.

You lucky thing… I love getting detention with Dumbledore. He always starts up philosophic discussions with me. And, as you know, I've got plenty of opinions to share. Delano another one I'll kill for you. Smoochy smooch. And I could get us out of any trouble with the Ministry by selling them my body. Remember, I am the ultimate gigolo.

Rem… I love your scars. They make you look cool. I know they remind you of bad times… but come on! How great a way is that of starting a conversation- yes, actually, I got this one by fighting my way into a castle full of giants to rescue a fair maiden.

It's only James. He knows it's no hard feelings. And of course I'd do it for you- I'm your knight in shining armour.

Cats are evil things anyway. Stick with dogs, they're much better.

You can name the chickens, as it was in fact ME who named Daisy. And I don't want James, he'd only obsess over how much a tree looked like Evans.

Fear me, Remus Lupin- I am a vampire and I vant tooooooooo suck your blooooooooooooood… I'm better than you, of course. You don't have my special skills.

Monsieur Sirius

PS- What do you mean, 'this time'? How many times have there been?

PPS- Porter is a stupid name, although I suppose I can't expect too much from someone you met in a French museum.

PPPS- Why wasn't it meant to be romantic?

PPPPS (I like winding you up with these)- I should be told ALL.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: MUAHAHAHA! THE LINE IS WORKING! YAY! Oh here's the next chapter...hehehe...now I'm off to write my Teacher Cadet Paper...:grumbles:

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Sirius, 

Sexy knickers?

Of course I like being fussed over. Just not _that_ much. And the hair thing would be fine it if wasn't exactly a ruffle. But because it was a ruffle and Tante Orane has incredibly long fingernails (seriously I don't know how the woman even _functions_ with those things), I was afraid that if she ruffled my hair one more time then I would look like a kitten's scratching post. More so than I do already.

It's hard to remember I exist? That's not a very nice thing to say to someone who has been writing you all summer. And someone who could break you like a toothpick. I refuse to believe that I am part of your imagination. If I was, then how would James and Peter know me. Along with the rest of everyone in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff?

Ah, my dear cousin Oliver (he's my mum's brother's kid) knows a secret of mine. He's a real prat and continues to tease me about it. No, it's not _that_ secret. Although I might have to take you up on the offer of the Black connections.

Oh. Erm…you love someone? That's good, Paddy. Don't worry about it, it was just a dream. And if your mother tries to get between you and your love, I'll personally rip her limb from limb. If I could, I would give you a hug. But I can't considering you're not around here.

Okay, you don't have to tell me what Regulus said. I won't push it anymore. Oh, I must agree with you that he is, indeed, a cock.

I _don't_ sound like an old man.

So, someone in Gryffindor is staring at me over the bacon? And I've passed them the pie, eh? You've been watching I assume?

I would want romance. I do agree with you that you don't have to be stupidly sentimental about it, but you can't just walk around and expect someone to know that you love them. Aye, we are mates. Mates shouldn't be in love? I, for one, think that it could happen without everything being weird.

Aww, you're trying to protect me, are you? That's sweet. But you should know that sometimes when you're trying to protect someone that's the last thing that you're actually doing.

You do so smell! I didn't say that you smell bad **all** of the time. Most of the time you smell a bit like the forest, a bit of oranges, and some musky scent. No one else really smells like that. See, I wasn't being mean!

Poor James and his children. Messed up hair and they'll be doomed to wear glasses!

I'm not exactly sure that I'm going to be fond of this "Auror T-Shirt Surprise". Ugh, that sounds like a name for some nasty ice cream made from Aurors' sweaty t-shirts. Gross!

Hmm, a leash you say? Sounds kinky. Sure why not.

Ah, fantasies maybe, but there's never been a sick fantasy about Madame Pomfrey. Nor will there ever be one. So don't **ever**, **ever**, **EVER** steal it or read it. Or have someone else read it to you. I'll know if you do Padfoot.

Of course you're pretty. And whomever doesn't think so, needs to have glasses thicker than Prong's.

_You're _the one who said that you would snog Peter if they got together. So if you do have to snog him, it's your own fault.

Fair enough. No woman is good enough for my dear Padfoot anyway.

I would forbid you to sell your body to _anyone_ at the Ministry. Blech. They're all gross, vile people there. Okay maybe there's a select few that are okay. But a lot of them are just gross.

Yeah, telling someone that would be a great way to start a conversation. But then they'd want the truth. Plus, I'm not just going to go up to a complete stranger and say "Oi! You see this scar here?". I'm not gonna draw attention to something that doesn't need attention.

Oh? I have my own knight in shining armour! How positively lovely!

Not _all_ cats are evil! Although I must say that dogs are better. I had a dog at one point in time. Named him Romulus. He used to lay with me the day after full moons. Really nice dog actually. He died though. Mum said it was old age that did him in. I'm not so sure about that though.

Anyway, on to a happier subject. The chickens.

How many chickens will we have exactly? We'll name them: Vera, Chuck, and Dave. If we're going to have more, tell me and I'll come up with more names.

Oh you'd be a horrible vampire Sirius. You're not supposed to tell people that you want to suck their blood. Special skills? And what might those special skills be?

Moony

PS - Hmm. Let me think about that. There's that one time _in_ the museum. And then that one time at Porter's. In the barn…Oh, yeah…three.

PPS - I'm not sure that Porter would like you calling his name stupid. And so what if I met him in a museum?

PPPS - It wasn't meant to be romantic because I'm not _in love_ with Porter.

PPPPS - Maybe I'll tell you all when we get back to Hogwarts. Some things just can't be told in a letter.

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A/N: Drop a review...only because your poor, dear, lovely **Lykaios** has to write a paper for her Teacher Cadet class that is probably going to use up all creativity today... 


	17. Chapter 17

**This has taken a while, and I still need to finish the next letter to Lyk. There is a reason- the last few days I've just been glued to news programmes about Richard Hammond. I'm dancing for his progress. And crying a little at the sweet stories. Don't worry, most of you will have no idea what I'm on about. Just ignore me. I'm trying to justify myself.**

* * *

Rem,

Yes, Sexy Knickers. Or do you not remember your oh so wonderful lacy transvestite knickers? I'm never going to forget them.

Tell your aunt, next time you see her, that she needs to cut her nails before touching you. Or you'll bite them off. Go on, just to see her face. Please?

I'm sorry it's hard to remember you… it just is. Maybe everyone's part of my imagination. You know I'm a very very important person. You wouldn't break me 'like a toothpick'. You promised you wouldn't.

Oliver. If a 'real prat' is allowed to know your secret, why not tell me? And don't you dare say anything like 'he isn't allowed to know, he found out' in that pompous little voice of yours. It's got to be something big if you're going to let me bring out the hitman. Rem… tell uncle Siri.

Yup. It has finally happened. Sirius Black, the most wonderful bloke to ever stride the corridors of Hogwarts, has fallen in love. Don't worry though, the girls aren't going to be devastated. The one I love shall never know my affections… And don't be so dismissing of my dreams. For all you know, I could be a psychic. And then where would you be? Rueing the day you ever dismissed me. Ha. I win.

I consider myself hugged.

RJ Lupin. Old man extraordinaire. Ha. I win again. Merely by dint of being sexy.

Of course I've been watching people staring at you. I need to vet your potential suitors. Can't let any old harlot sink her claws into you. If a girl likes you and she's not up to scratch, I merely deter her by dint of effort. Coz I'm great like that.

Romance isn't about cards and flowers. Romance is about putting your arm around someone and letting them know that you care. And as for mates being in love- I wouldn't want to spoil it. Even if I fell so deeply and painfully with a best mate that I couldn't ever be with anyone else, I wouldn't want to lose my mate. They're the most important things in my life.

Oo, I have my own smell. I should sell it down in Hogsmeade.

James won't have kids. He'll end up too heartbroken over me.

I knew you were a kinky bastard. Hence the lacy underwear. Bet you wear it in class... ew, bad thoughts! (involving you and Snape, if you want to know)

I KNOW you once had a dream about Madame Pomfrey. You can't deny it. Ok, it was a while back, but I distinctly heard you mutter the word 'Poppy' in your sleep. It might have been 'Poopy' but I don't think so.

Let me read your diary. Or write a bit to me. Just the tiniest little bit. Please? I'll give you chocolate. Lots of it. Good stuff.

If it even looks possible that Prongs and Evans are getting together, I will dive in and scupper it somehow. I'm intelligent, I'll think of something.

If we get into trouble at the Ministry, which might happen the amount of people we're planning on killing, I'm going to need to sell my body. Don't worry, I won't notice it. I'll shut my eyes and take it for pumpkin pie.

Yay, I'm pretty. Just off for a quick frolic through the tulips.

THE SCARS RULE. End of conversation.

Yes, I am a knight. I even come with my own noble steed. Otherwise known as Prongs. He'll moan about me sitting on him, but he'll get over it.

Cats are all evil. Have you seen Minerva? She's scary when she's a cat. And when she's human. And she'll kill me if she knows I'm calling her Minerva. Minnie maybe.

Mothers are also evil. Blergh.

I think three chickens sound about right. But Chuck? What are we, lumberjacks? Like in that film Wormtail made us go and see. You know, the one with the song. I liked that. Even if it was weird. Had the plus point of making Mother purple every time I started singing.

I can tell people I want to suck their blood if I want. Who wouldn't want to be sucked by me? Heh… see, there's one special skill right there. I'm waggling my eyebrows. Mwhahaha.

SB

PS- You kept count? Actually, I can imagine you doing that. Noting it down in your diary. 'Today, I had sex. It was rather enjoyable, although a bit dusty. And a dinosaur bone poked into my back.'

PPS- It's a stupid name coz I say so. And museums are BORING.

PPPS- Who do you love then? And go on, I need something to sustain me through the long month.

PPPPS- What did you mean by your sarky comment, 'sometimes when you're trying to protect someone that's the last thing that you're actually doing'? So what, Remus, not telling someone about a REALLY horrible piece of gossip that someone's made up about them is mean? Piss off, don't be sanctimonious with me.

PPPPPS- HANG ON! Rem, did you get it wrong? You said 'his name'. Porter. What sex? (well, obviously some)


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: You all should proke and prod Oz as much as you can to send me the next letter. Hint, hint, nudge, nudge. lol. Okay, it's not really that important. Oz has (more) important things to do (I did not mean that in a mean way at all)...so don't annoy her about it (too badly).

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Sirius, 

Oh! Oh yes, I remember those knickers! How could I _possibly_ forget?

I couldn't tell her that! Although I would like to see her face if I told her that. Do you realise that the amount of time that I would spend laughing at her reaction wouldn't even _begin_ to rival the amount of time I would get a lecture for saying that to her. It's not that I don't like her. It's just, she pinches really hard!

Why would someone wish _me_ into existence? I still say that I truly exist, and _not_ in your imagination.

I reckon that if you promise to never, ever, _ever_ forget me -- truly and utterly forget me -- I'll let it slide.

I know that I wouldn't break you like a toothpick. I like you too much to do that. And besides how would I explain the blood to McGonagall?

'The most wonderful bloke to stride through the corridors of Hogwarts'? Doesn't your head feel a bit heavy Pad? Good on you though, to find love. Although I must say that I think that you should actually tell the person that you love that you do, indeed, fancy them.

You _could_ be a psychic, but you're not very good at Divination, so I'm seriously doubting it.

I'm not an old man! And you can't win just by merely being sexy!

Aw, Paddy's looking out for me again, yeah? Well I think that I would have to stop the aforementioned harlot or any other girl from sinking her claws into me like I was a scratching post.

I suppose that if things didn't work out for two mates in love, then it might be weird for quite sometime. But I suppose that if they were good mates, it shouldn't matter, right? Friends are very important and I wouldn't give you or your friendship up...Or James and Peter's.

You most certainly should _not_ try and sell your smell down in Hogsmeade. Then everyone would smell like you and then I would think you would be all over the place. In the diner and at the same time at the cinema. I wouldn't like it. No, you should just keep your scent to yourself. Besides not everyone would smell good if they smelled like you. So I forbid you to sell your scent. And you will listen because I'm Remus.

Heartbroken over you? For what reason?

Maybe I _am_ a kinky little wolf. But how exactly does my (fictional) lacy underwear make you think of me and _Snape_. Together!

Just because Poppy was in my dream does not mean that it was some sort of distasteful fantasy of her. I'll have you know that the dream involved her trying to kill you. _I_ had to calm her down. So there. Wasn't a sick fantasy.

I will not let you read my **journal**! Nor will I read it to you, or write something to you and let you see or hear it. And you give me chocolate anyway. Because you love me. So you're not going to see any of the pages.

Prongs won't be happy if you ruin his chances with Lily.

I still think that you shouldn't sell your body if we get into trouble. But you sound like you have your heart set on it, so who am I to tell you "no"?

Fine, the scars rule. End of discussion. I just won't be using them as a conversation starter.

Yes I'm sure that Prongs would complain if you were sitting on his back. Oh well, sometimes I think that he would deserve it.

I have seen McGonagall as a cat. And I suppose that she is quite evil. Maybe just a bit more than when she's human. I wonder, are her and Mrs. Norris friends? Tell her I said that and I really will break you like a toothpick. Okay, maybe not that, but I will be terribly upset, mad, and disappointed.

Not all mothers are evil. My mother is rather nice actually. And Prong's mum is pretty sane and good as well. Peter's mum is a little on the off side, but she's alright.

I'm sorry (I think) to say that I wasn't there. I actually don't really know where I was, but I can assure you I have not seen that film. When did you see it anyway? But if you can name the cow Daisy, I can name the chicken Chuck.

Hmmm, if you want to tell people that you want to suck their blood, go right ahead. But real vampires don't say that.

I can't think of one single person who **_wouldn't_** want to be sucked by you. Oh wait, Prongs might not. And Peter. McGonagall wouldn't either. Other than that, I'm lost for answers.

Hmm, good at sucking you say? Interesting.

I'm off to get ice cream,  
Moony

PS - I kept count because it only happened three times you dolt. It's not like as soon as it happened I went and wrote it on the calendar or anything. I'm just good at remembering things, I imagine. And I'll also have you know that a dinosaur bone did _not_ poke me in the back. Considering we weren't even _in_ the Dinosaur display room, thank you so very much! If I were you and wanting to know **_everything_** as you say you do, I'd keep the jokes to a minimum.

PPS - Well maybe Porter thinks that your name is stupid.

PPPS - Who do I love? Well I'll give you a hint. It's not Porter.

PPPPS - It's the truth Sirius. And no, I did not mean that you shouldn't tell someone about a hurtful piece of gossip. The something I'm talking about is different. I was **not **being sanctimonious at all. Because I know I hurt Porter when I **_thought_** that I was trying to protect him. I was just telling you what I thought. What I practically **_know_**. If that bothers you at all, please remind me not to write back.

PPPPPS - Of course I said 'his name'. Because Porter is without a doubt, undeniably **male**. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's why I won't be having kids. Because I am totally and utterly **_gay_**. Although, I have heard of some sort of potion that one could take…Anyway. Females do not interest me at all beyond friendship. None whatsoever. I'm terribly sorry if that disturbs you.

PPPPPPS - sighs I'm sorry for snapping at you in the 'PPPPS'. But I seriously wasn't being pompous. Please don't be mad at me for that. If you want to be mad about anything else, that's fine. Just please, not that.

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AN: 

_Review...Review...Review..._

There's like an echo in here or something...

_Review...Review...Review..._

There it is again...you should listen to it carefully. :grins:

LOVE!


	19. Chapter 19

**I hate colds. So much. Blergh. Anyway... on with the show! Thank you everyone for liking... we adore each of you. Every single last one. **

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Remus,

I don't think anyone could forget their lacy knickers. Not ones of that overt sexualness anyway.

Remus Lupin. You are a Marauder. Therefore you are imbued with the courage of twenty ordinary men. Being told off should hold no fear for you. Come on. It's happened loads of times before…

Well, you're my best friend and an escape from the lunatic asylum. I'd wish you into existence. And you could be part of my subconscious. My conscience, if you will, who tells me not to do things. And I won't forget you. I couldn't, even if I tried.

Yay! I'm liked! WOOP! You could always tell Minerva that I spontaneously snapped. It's a terrible disease. One that only pops up in inbred families like this one.

My head is perfectly fine. It's not big at all.

I'm not telling them that I love them. Firstly, who'd want me? I'm too damn… me. I'm not serious, I flirt with anything that moves… and I'm not good enough. They're so damn wonderful… clever, kind, funny. And fucking gorgeous. I am shallow.

Divination is a load of balls and you know it. The only reason I'm no good at it is because I sleep through the lessons. I can't help it… that room is comfy.

You are an old man! On the train, when we were pushing through all those screaming firsties, you made some kind of comment about the youth of today. I mock you with my sniggers.

My sexiness is so sexy that it wins. :P

But supposing, if you did get together with a mate, wouldn't it always be weird? Because one of you might still be in love. And the other one would be going off with other people, and coming back and telling the first one, and there'd be loads of secret heartbreak. I wouldn't ever give up your friendship, but… I dunno. I need to see sunshine.

Oh, Rem, you're getting all dominating now… Not allowed to sell my scent? You don't want me to sell any of myself, do you? I think it'd be pretty damn good if everyone smelled like me. I'd be able to hide. And you wouldn't be able to do that annoying thing where you know when I'm coming and call out to me without looking up.

Well, James has carried around a torch for me for several years. He's tried to cover it up with his affections for Lily. But I know the truth… and if we are separated he is likely to keel over and stop breathing.

Um… the whole lacy underwear and you and Snape thing… that might be because of a game me, Prongs and Wormtail played once. We might have gone round, each saying a word and making up a story… and it may have involved you. Um. Sorry…?

Aw, why was Pomfrey trying to kill me? Was she jealous of my dashing good looks? And it might still be a sick fantasy. Some weirdos get off on stuff like that. Not you, don't get all offended on me. But you know what I mean.

Why can't I read your journal? Come on! Best mate! I probably know all the stuff you've written in there anyway. Unless you're keeping loads of secrets from me. And if you've bitched about me, I won't get offended at it. I promise.

Prongs is never happy. And therefore, he does of course deserve to be ridden by me. But then again, I think he'd like that… dammit, you can't see my eyebrows going up and down.

YAY! I CAN SELL MY BODY! WOOP WOOP! Rem, you can be my pimp. Coz I love you so.

Don't get disappointed with me! I won't tell Minerva a thing. She's another one with a crush on me. You should see her flutter her eyelids when she's got me in detention. But I shall not respond to her coquettery (yup, also a word). It would break Albus' heart. He's got the hots for her, you know.

Your mum can be nice. At times. I love Prongs' mum… she's always nice to me. But Peter's mum… she doesn't like me much. Probably because I'm one of the evil ones.

Ah, we saw the film ages ago. One summer. You might have been recuperating after a moon… I dunno, Wormtail made us go coz he wanted to see a Muggle film. I did too… never really seen one before. It was really strange. Something about a parrot. But very funny.

I am a real vampire. I have teeth and everything.

So that's Prongs, Wormtail and Minerva who don't want to be sucked by me- and, as we've established, Prongs and Minerva want to shag me anyway. What about you, Moony? Would you like me to suck you?

What flavour ice cream? Hmm… I think people could be ice cream flavours… what do you think I am? You're caramel. With the lumps in it that you find when you don't expect them.

Padders

PS- You can't appreciate good humour. I never really took you for much of an exhibitionist… so where did you two have sex in the museum? Did you like it?

PPS- Porter's a cock if he think my name's stupid. My name has class and significance. Brightest star in the sky. Porter… is a flipping servant.

PPPS- Well, not Porter. That narrows it down to about 3 billion.

PPPPS- What was it that hurt Porter? Because… well, Rem, anything that you do shouldn't hurt people. You never hurt anyone. What did he take so badly?

PPPPPS- Oh, Rem, I couldn't be mad at you for being gay. How much of an idiot do you think I am? Just like the rest of my bloody family. Well, I'm not like them. And I don't care that you're gay. Why should it matter to me if you'd rather shag blokes or birds? Anyway… if I were to get disturbed then it'd be a bit stupid. Seeing as I'm the same way.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: In this letter there are a couple of spots where a word or two is surrounded by 2 sets of parentheses ((like so)). This means that the word(s) have been crossed out. So they wouldn't exactly be legible to the receiver. When I wrote it, they did have a line through them but doesn't support that formating style thing I guess. Sorry about that

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PLEASE READ THE A/N BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER OR YOU COULD BECOME TERRIBLY CONFUSED!

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Sirius, 

It's called 'sarcasm'. How could I possibly forget them? Even though, they do not exist. Whatsoever.

Yes, it has happened before, but you don't know this woman. I think that when she gets angry she is worse than McGonagall. McGonagall on a bad day.

Every night I thank whatever deity that I deem fit that I _can _and _do_ keep you out of the insane asylum. Because if I don't keep you out of it, I wouldn't have a Padfoot. And I'd be a very sad Moony. I'd be all alone. Of course there would be James and Peter, but that's not the same now is it?

Well at least, _someone _would wish me into existence. If I didn't _actually _already exist. And not as a figment of imagination. I like to think of myself as your conscience.

Glad to know that you won't ever forget me. I'd hate to be forgotten.

Yes, I'm sure that Professor McGonagall would believe that you just up and snapped in half. Just then, I was rolling my eyes. Although, I suppose that we could use your pureblood excuse. Weird things _do _happen to inbred families.

It's nice to hear that your head is perfectly fine. Wouldn't want it growing to a gargantuan size, now would we? You'd look awfully funny.

Oh! How can you think that no one would want you? If you think that, then I'd have to say that your head is full of bilge water. I'll have you know that you are a serious -don't even think about using the Sirius/serious joke, I'll bite you if you do- when it's needed. Sometimes. And so you flirt a lot? At least you're not a hermit, yeah? How could _you_ not be good enough for whomever it is?

If whoever it is thinks you're not good enough, then he-I'm guessing it's a he, but I have no idea- can shove his wand up his arse. Sirius, you're smart, you're handsome, you're witty…Hell you're gorgeous. How the hell could he not want you? And if he doesn't then well fuck him. He wouldn't be worth your time.

You're not _that_ shallow.

I never said that Divination wasn't a load of rubbish. I was just stating a fact. You're not good at Divination. I have to agree, that room _is_ comfy. But you don't see me falling asleep, do you?

I'm _not _an old man. I can't help it if I think that the first years were a bit too rambunctious. You know, you really shouldn't mock me. It hurts my feelings.

Fine, your sexy sexiness wins.

Yes, ((it is)) …I suppose that if you did get together with a mate it would be a bit weird if it happened like that. But I suppose if the one mate wasn't such a _coward_ and afraid of actually admitting that he was in love then he would be able to stop the other from going off with other people. There ((is)) would be loads of secret heartbreak. That's bit sad. If you think about it though, if two friends got together they could continue being friends. Even if the situation you described occurred.

I'd give you the sunshine if I could, Siri.

Of course you can't sell your scent. Would you like it if Severus bought it and walked up behind me and I thought it was you? I could carry on an important conversation thinking it was you the entire time. And then who knows what he could do with that information! See? Selling your aroma is a bad, bad idea.

Poor James, then. Whatever will he do if you actually _do_ tell this person that you fancy them?

You guys made up a story about me and Severus that included _lacy undergarments_? That's _low_, Sirius. Very low. What did this story include, might I ask?

Actually, the reason Poppy was trying to kill you was because you were trying to sneak me out of the Infirmary or something along those lines. It messed with some wound that hadn't healed as quickly as the others. She was really upset about it. Luckily for you --- well the you in my dream--- I assuaged her from her fears of me being hurt. And I also stopped her from ripping you to shreds, starting with your hair.

Nope, I can't say that the aforementioned dream was some sort of sick, twisted fantasy. Why would I fantasize about someone killing you?

You can't read my journal because it's private. Private. That word means "not for others". So you can't read it. And I don't think I've bitched about you in it. Although I could have, but if I was pissed off at you, I'm sure you would have known.

No, I don't think that Prongs would like you riding him that much.

I'm not being your pimp! No way! I didn't even want you to sell your body in the first place. Why would I want to participate in the actual dealings? And why, exactly, are we talking about this like you're actually going to sell yourself?

Minerva flutters her eyelashes at you in detention? Oh please! Minerva wouldn't flutter her eyelashes at anyone, except maybe Professor Dumbledore, if she had something in her eye. It's a good thing you won't respond to her coquetting. I'd hate to see Albus with a broken heart.

Like I said, Peter's mum is a little on the off side. Half the time she hates me and then she'll turn right back around and be the nicest woman -- or at least try to be -- ever.

The film sounds…interesting.

So if you have teeth, that automatically brands you as a vampire?

McGonagall and Prongs do not want to shag you. You're delirious little mind made that up.

Hmm…The great Sirius Black, real-life vampire because he has teeth, sucking me? I don't suppose that I would mind. Erm…hehe…considering vampires don't affect werewolves.

I had chocolate chip cookie dough. 'Twas delicious. I would be caramel with the lumps? Why?

Hmm…what kind of ice cream would you be? I think maybe some sort of coffee/cappuccino flavour. With dark chocolate chips in it. Or maybe Peanut Butter and Chocolate. That kind is really good. Really rich chocolate ice cream with a peanut butter ribbon in it. Yummy.

And you'd be either of those flavours because they're both smooth, rich, but they're not bland. They've got something extra with it that just makes you happy when you find it.

Rem

PS - I told you once before. Maybe I _am _a kinky werewolf. ; ) The Ancient Egypt room actually. It was enjoyable. I can tell you, it was rather awkward though. It would have been better with someone else though. I'm not saying that Porter was a bad shag or anything, it's just…I'm sure that _someone_ else could have made it a lot more enjoyable.

PPS - I didn't say he _said _that. I just said maybe he thought that. He actually thinks that your name is pretty cool. You don't have to be rude about it. I was just kidding around.

PPPS - Good observation. Not Porter. I _wonder_ who it could possibly be? I'm not telling. And don't you dare start on that "But Remmie, we're best mates!" guilt trip. Just let me take the time right now to say. Sirius Black, I hope you know you are being a hypocrite. All this time you've been laying it on thick, begging me to tell you who I had sex with because "friends are suppose to tell each other everything" and you didn't even tell me that you were gay? I'm done ranting now, thank you.

PPPPS - I'm not in love with Porter. I was guessing that if he didn't know that I didn't love him, he wouldn't get hurt. That I was protecting him. And of course that went all topsy-turvy. Finally he told me that he knew that I didn't love him and it was hurting him that I didn't tell him that. So I told him why I couldn't love him. I told him who I do love. He understood then. Told me that he had feelings for me, but he realised that I didn't love him. So he didn't go for it. We're still friends though.

PPPPPS - I know that you're not like them Siri. I know. As I told you before, I won't _let_ you become like them. It's just, I was nervous. Hell, who fucking needs a gay werewolf…me anyway? I just didn't want you to feel nervous around me I guess. The rant that you deserve for making me feel guilty for keeping secrets from you is in the PPS. I'm sure you've already read that part though. You deserved said rant. And probably more. But I can't bring myself to give another one.

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A/N: Hmmmmmmmmm terribly sorry for the wait. If you were a bit confused about the double parentheses words then you need to go back and read the FIRST A/N. Then if you have to, re-read this chappy. You shouldn't be as confused afterwards. 


	21. Chapter 21

**And Oz is here yet again with a late update. Love me still? Please? Or I'll set Torchwood on you. Mwhahahaha!**

Moony,

Sarcasm, I'll have you know, is the lowest form of wit. (Ha! Listen to me being all superior-knowledgey. I'm just too darn good)

Rem, there's only one thing scarier than Minnie on a bad day. And that's you… you do a damn good job as my conscience. Just think of how many pranks YOU'VE spoilt. I've been stood there, just about to destroy some Slytherin's self confidence, and in the back of my mind all I can hear is you sighing and tutting. Gets dreadfully offputting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Honestly.

Yeah… we need each other, don't we? I mean, Prongs is like my brother. I don't know what I'd do without him. But I think I could get along without him… but you. I don't think I could live without you, Moony. And I don't want to. If I ever do anything that you really hate me for… I think I'll end up retreating into a cave somewhere. Coz it won't be right if I can't be with you. And that, is why I can't forget you.

Minnie would believe anything you told her. She likes you. A lot. Wink wink nudge nudge. Come one, I'm sure there's been at least one documented case of people snapping in half spontaneously. If there isn't, that's because I'm a miracle. Get on your knees and praise me.

I wouldn't look funny with a big head. I'd look sexy. Just like I always do. Shit, you've made me paranoid now. I'm going to have to go and check myself in the mirror.

I'm not saying that no one would ever want me… I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone hates me. I know there's loads of people who want to have sex with me- and that's not boasting, it's being realistic. But the trouble is… that's all they want. Sex. I don't… I know, it's stupid. I'm the nearest thing Hogwarts has to a whore. But I want to fall in love and have it be forever. I want to grow old with someone, stealing their toast in the morning over breakfast and sitting with them on a bench.

Yes, it's a he. He… oh Merlin. I fell in love with him a long time ago. And I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about anyone else. Ok, so I didn't actually realise it was love for a long time. I thought I was going through hormones. That it was normal to want to shag people. But then I realised I wanted to spend all my time with him. I didn't care about James anymore. I think he's perfect. And that's why I don't think I'm good enough. Because he's a god, and I'd just taint him.

Do you realise you made a couple of innuendos there? Just to show that I am me, and not some weird serious person- I'd rather he had my 'wand' up his arse. And yes, I'd quite like to fuck him.

The only reason I'm not good at Divination is coz I don't concentrate. And, contrary to popular belief, I do concentrate in other lessons. I'm possessed of the very rare talent of being able to prat around and learn at the same time. Prongs and I are very special in that respect. No, you don't fall asleep. Blah blah blah. Are you trying to be Head Boy? Oo, actually- yes! Over the next couple of years, you must be very very good so that Dumbles makes you Head Boy. Then we'd have the power to do anything! Cue the maniacal laughter.

Rem! No one uses the word rambunctious! Except you, obviously.

Aw… did I really hurt your feelings? I'm sorry. You know I wouldn't mock you if I didn't love you. Mwha.

So I get the sunshine… Rem, if I could, I'd make it so that every night you could only see the stars. Only the stars. No moon at all.

Snape wouldn't buy my scent. He wouldn't have a) the class or b) the money. In any case- I've just realised something. Since when has he been 'Severus'? He's Snivellus. He doesn't deserve a proper name.

James won't have to do anything, because I'm not telling anyone anything. Ha. Didn't see that one coming, didya, Moony boy?

In our defence, we were slightly pissed when we did the story. It might also have included… um… certain things about Snape and the Squid. There was also stuff about Minnie and Dumbles, so not just you.

Bloody hell. Pomfrey gets annoyed quite easily, doesn't she? If she evens THINKS about touching my hair I will hurt her. I don't care if she looks after you. My hair is sacred. No one touches the hair.

Maybe you hate me, subconsciously. And it only comes out in dreams.

I'd let you read my diary! If, that is, I was enough of a woman to keep one. Have you written your fantasies in there? Because, if you have- I'm willing to find the people and accessories to help you act them out. But not if it involves Snape. There's some depths I won't sink to.

You know, I can't even remember why I was going to sell my body. I know it was something to do with us being captured by the Ministry… did we kill someone? I thought you'd like to be my pimp… you'd get paid then. It'd be good. And, you'd get to look after me. Little old me. Who flutters his eyelashes in a damsel in distress way rather well.

Minnie harbours a deep burning passion for me! Loins of fire and all that junk. I do like old Dumbles. Yup, that is his new name. I think it suits him. Dumbles.

Peter's mum is a bitch. She can't decide whether or not she likes people. Don't ever tell Wormtail I said that- he gets really vicious when you mention his mum.

The film rocked! We should go see one. You and me. We could… sit in the back and eat loads of Muggle sweets. And snigger at the stupid lines.

Watch what you call my mind. Remember, I invented you.

You haven't seen my teeth recently. I've been stretching them. Every night, before I go to sleep. I stretch my teeth. I should probably stop. Don't want to end up like that Ravenclaw third year… you know the one, with the BIG teeth.

Oo, Rem, I have your permission to suck away? You're too kind…

You're caramel with lumps… well, firstly, coz of how you look. And you're really sweet and smooth. And the lumps are the unexpected bits of you. Like your anger and stuff.

Yay, I'm not bland! WOOP!

Siri

PS- Ah, the Egypt room… full of dusty old mummies. You have some serious issues. So Porter was good? Or awkward? And anyway, you don't know how good your _someone_ else is. They might be absolutely crap at sex. And you think there's going to be fireworks- all you get is a faint sizzle.

PPS- So you discussed me? What did you say?

PPPS- There is no way you can compare the two things! Ok, sex is something that we as both men and teenagers are supposed to discuss. And I told you when I lost my virginity. Ok, I screamed it out to the whole common room. Besides the point. How the hell is me coming out the same thing? This is gonna get me completely isolated. If Mother or Father finds out- something increasingly likely, as Regulus and Kreacher know- I'm going to be kicked out of the house. Do you really think they'll want a gay son? So, Remus Lupin, I've been trying to save myself. Is that really such a bad thing?

PPPPS- It's good to hear you're not in love with Porter. I mean, I've never met the bloke. I want to make sure who you fall in love with is good enough for you. And if he hurts you then I'll kill him, I really will. And your thing about mates being in love… you sound like you know it. Does the person you love go off with people? You should tell him. Punch him.

PPPPPS- And like I've said before, I need you.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Any mistakes belong to Lykaios.  
Disclaimer: Neither Oz nor Lykaios owns Harry Potter or related characters. No profit is made off of this, except the profit of trying to unblock the dear authors' minds.

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Siri-poo, 

You? Superior? Oh ha-ha. That's funny.

I don't know if I should take being scarier than McGonagall as a compliment or not. Well just think of it this way, at least you didn't have detention. Ashamed you say? Well okay, only this once though.

Oh, don't worry. You're not gonna do anything to make me hate you that bad. Because if you did decide to become a cave hermit, I'd still be all alone. Without you. And once again I'd be a sad, sad little wolf. Tsk, tsk.

Wait, I thought it was you that McGonagall was in love with, yeah? Although, I must say that I **have** gotten you out of a detention or two by talking to her. I'm sure that someone _has_ snapped in half. But it was more than likely **_not _**spontaneous. I'd say some careless witch or wizard had his or her wand in his or her back pocket and accidentally fired a spell at themselves. She knows you're not that stupid.

I'm getting on my knees am I? Praising…right.

I reckon that you wouldn't look **_that_** funny with a big head. Same old sexy Sirius. Just with a bigger head. I was only kidding about your head, no need to inspect it.

Oh come off it. You know I didn't mean it like that. If they're stupid enough to **_just_** want sex from you, then they are completely idiotic. And I will beat the hell out of them if they hurt you. Hehe, what can I say, I _can_ be a ferocious little bugger when the need arises.

Wanting something other than sex isn't stupid. You **_are not_** a whore. That girl in Hufflepuff, **_she's_** the whore. Never, **never** refer to yourself as that. Falling in love and having it be forever sounds just fine.

Padfoot, you steal **my** toast at breakfast. So if you ever need to steal someone's toast at some point in time, I've always got some. If not, I can make some.

I suppose that at one point in time it could have been hormones. But it doesn't sound like it now. You're not going to taint anyone. You aren't as bad as what you think you are, Sirius. If he's as nice as you say he is, he won't mess things up. And like I said before, if he does hurt you, I'll beat him to a bloody pulp.

I didn't mean **_that_** wand! Although I'm sure you'd like to have your 'wand' up his arse. I'm sure that you would like to fuck him. He _might_ enjoy it (that was just a joke, I'm sure he would love it. Hehe! I love you Paddy!)

Why is it that you don't concentrate in that lesson? I **_know_** you concentrate in other lessons. Which is why I'm confused as to why you don't concentrate in Divinations. No, I'm **_not_** trying to be Head Boy. See, you and your maniacal laughter, that's just the kind of stuff that makes me **_not _**want to be Head Boy. Plus, too much attention. It's "Head Boy, do this," and "Head Boy, do that." I'm not a ruddy maid.

I'll take me being the only one to use the word 'rambunctious' as a compliment. Maybe that just means I'm smarter than the rest. : )

Yes, yes. You hurt my feelings terribly and I'm not sure I could go on if you don't make it up soon. Oh! Woe is me!

Ah! No moon? That sounds wonderful. I'm not the only one the moon controls though, Paddy. Other things depend on the moon. It **would** be simply wonderful -- just the stars.

Hmm, who ever said that you scent would be expensive? Severus could buy it if he wanted to. Besides, you don't need class to buy something. I'll have you know that he's always been 'Severus'. Not Snivellus. Because he's not really _that_ bad. And why doesn't he deserve a proper name?

I still think that you should tell him. Of course I seen it coming. I know you're not going to give in that easily. So maybe I'll just have to make use of my non-existent charm and wiles to get you to tell him.

Severus and _the Squid?_ Ugh, gross. I _did not _need to hear that. Read that. You know what I mean. Some how, I'm not comforted by the fact that you made up a story with me, Severus, the Squid, Dumbledore, and McGonagall that included frilly knickers.

So who else would look after me if you beat Poppy up? Don't get so worked up about it. She's not going to touch your hair. It was just a dream anyway. No one touches your hair? Not even little ol' me? Or maybe the **him** that you like?

Oh piss off. I do not hate you subconsciously. I couldn't hate you.

**Not **a diary. It's a journal. Are you calling me a **woman**? I can assure you --- and so can Porter --- that I am very much a man. Hmmm…there might be a fantasy or two in there. Maybe a couple of **very**…erm…enjoyable dreams as well. You'd help me act them out? Hmm…I wonder if it's a bad thing that one **_does_** involve Severus. ; )

Ah, yes. We were killing someone, I'm pretty sure of it. Although I still disapprove of you selling your body. I could get paid for wiping old people's arses, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to do it. Sirius, I look after you anyway. As much as I can. I've seen your eyelash fluttering quite a few times. It's okay.

Please do not ever use the phrase "loins of fire" in a sentence that has the subjects of yourself and Minerva McGonagall. You could scar me for life. And you wouldn't want that, now would you?

I think that, maybe, Dumbledore would be amused by "Dumbles".

Like I tell Wormtail stuff anyway?

Well, when do your propose that we go and see one of these films? And what kind of sweets would we be eating? Mmm…me and you. Muggle film. Muggle sweets. Sounds pleasurable enough. Time, date, and place is all I need.

You might think that you invented me, but I'm guessing that if you had invented me, you like me too much to let your mind get rid of me.

Please tell me that you were only joking about the teeth stretching. I think that your teeth are perfect. At least they were. I don't know about them now if you're telling the truth about stretching them.

Sure, you have my permission to suck. Suck away, m'dear.

Hmm…well if we're deciding ice cream flavours because of appearances then you'd be a nice, dark, rich chocolate flavour. Mmm…

Remus

PS - I do not have issues. I had an issue at the time. I was one randy werewolf. I couldn't help it. Porter was good. It was just awkward because he wasn't who I really wanted at the time. Therefore - awkwardness. But Porter was very good. Well you see, _this_ someone --- you can just look at this someone and tell that he would be good. Besides, I have ears and I can hear remarkably well. Wolfishness and stuff like that. From what I've heard, he's damn good. There would be no faint sizzle. It'd be a damn explosion. Pun intended. Sirius, I think your personality has rubbed off on me. I don't believe I would have made an incredibly corny joke like that before. It's okay though.

PPS - Oh wouldn't you like to know? He was looking through my trunk for a shirt. Seen a picture of you. And then one of me and you, and one of me, you, Prongs, and 'tail. So he asked who you guys were. I told him.

PPPS - Okay they're not quite the same. But what does telling me have to do with Regulus and Kreacher knowing? Maybe your Mother and Father wouldn't want a gay son, but then again they didn't want said son to talk to me either. Does that stop you? No. Who cares what they want? You've certainly never thought of that in a long time. And if they did kick you out you **KNOW** that you could always stay with me. Or James. Or Peter, even, no matter how bad his mother is. Did you think that I would waltz on down to your house to tell those hideous things that the law calls your parents that my best friend is gay if you told me? Hell no. The point is you made me feel **_bloody_** awful for not telling you something. I'd much rather see you alive and well and you know that. But don't you think that you can go around making me feel bad for not telling you something when you've had something to tell me too. You know I'd never want you to get hurt. At all. You **won't** be completely isolated because you **ALWAYS** have **me. **

PPPS 2 - I'm sorry. I just…I don't want to argue Sirius. I hate seriously arguing with you.

PPPPS - You sound like you don't like Porter. He's really not a bad guy. The guy who's caught my eye hurts me all of the time. But it's nothing big. Can't be helped, now can it? Yes, the person I love goes off with people all of the time. Only one of the many ways he's oblivious to my feelings. But, I grin and bear it because I don't **ever **want to lose him. At all. He's so much more than just the guy I fancy. So if I could only have him as a friend, it's better than nothing. I'm not going to punch him. Wouldn't want to hurt him.

PPPPPS - Thanks. I need you too.


	23. Chapter 23

**I've had to do like Lykaios... with the whole (( thingy. :D I apologise for the looooooong break in updates. You may know a song- 'What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? Is it a monster?' I have several monsters. A Level exams, uni applications, a shambles of a love life and the constant encroachment of RPS upon my writing. I apologise sincerely.**

Remmikins,

Why is me being superior funny? I'm intelligent. I admit that sometimes what I do may be viewed as rather idiotic. The time I got my head stuck in the bed comes to mind. But you know I only do those things because most of the time my thoughts are on a higher plane. I am concerned with more things than are under heaven and sky. I think.

Being scarier than McGonagall is quite an achievement. So yeah, compliment. Why not?

I might do something that makes you hate me. You don't know! And you might decide that you hate me more than you need me.

Minerva's got a lot of love to give. Trust me on that one. With our LOINS OF FIRE. Dumbles isn't too bad either… These things shouldn't scar you. You should be used to me by now.

And you're such a good boy, all the teachers trust you and believe you. You're nearly as good as the invisibility cloak for Marauding.

Minnie does think I'm quite stupid. Mainly because of aforementioned bed incident. And that time I managed to fly around the Great Hall because I forgot that after drinking a potion I wasn't meant to jump up and down a lot. And when James and I had a race round the Quidditch pitch in the pouring rain and ended up in the Infirmary for a week.

Well, while you're on your knees- if you feel like doing anything else? You know what I mean, Remus Lupin.

My 'head' is always rather big. Wink wink etc. Sorry, I can't stop it. It's like a disease.

Remus, you and me might want more- but most teenagers don't. We're meant to be just thinking about when we can next have sex. Not about living with someone forever. And I don't really help things- I've never committed to anyone in my life. I've wanted to… but the people I get with don't care about that.

The whore in Hufflepuff… yup, done her. A few times. And what is the definition of a whore, my studious friend? Someone who has sex a lot. In order to get something out of it. I've done that.

You do realise we've both now said that we'll beat up the other's unsuitable suitors?

So… if I never find anyone, I'll have you?

Everything we feel is hormones, dear boy. I might be imagining all my feelings. And seriously- I didn't think this guy had even thought about sex. I know better now. Oh, Rem, if you knew what I wanted to do when I found out he'd had sex… well, firstly I wanted to kill the guy. He shouldn't hurt my love. I was afraid of myself. But he'd touched him…

I am the king of innuendo. But let's be honest, you'd be better at sex than me. I mean… yes, I've done it, a lot, and never had many complaints. But I've never done it with a bloke. I suppose that'll make other people say 'well, how do you know you're gay then?' But I do know. If I'm honest, I only want to do it with this one bloke. If I do it with someone else, it'll feel like I'm cheating on him. The girls are different.

I dunno… Divination always just feels like a load of crap to me. No one knows their future, you can't. Also… that's basically the only lesson I can dream about… _him_ in. In the other lessons I'd get noticed. In Divination I can claim it's because I'm having a vision.

Ah, I forgot, you don't like attention. But seriously- you're the only Marauder who's likely to get it. Pete's a bit… blah. I'm just a rebel- and Minnie and Dumbles think I shouldn't be given too much influence over the younger children. Snigger. I suppose James might get it- he's worryingly sensible at times. I blame your influence. And you might be viewed as a maid- you clean up after me. And I think you'd look good in stockings.

Why does using posh words mean you're smarter? I speak in plain English. So people understand me.

I make it up for you with chocolate. So you can go on. There you go, Uncle Siri sorts it all out.

What's else controlled by the moon? The tides, I suppose. But they're not amazingly important. You count more. And the stars are the pretty things. Like me. Mind you… I'm the star and you're the moon. We need each other.

Of course my scent would be expensive. It would need a load of expensive ingredients. Ta da. And because mine would be so exclusive, you'd have to be vetted before you could buy it. Have you even met Snape? He's a bastard, a Slytherin git. He's just like the rest of them. A slimy gimp who thinks that Muggles and Mudbloods should be killed. I hate him, he's just like my family.

You do have charms and wiles… but they're not going to work. I'M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM. Well… there's one thing that'll make me tell him. If you tell yours.

If it makes you feel better, you can make up a story about me. And James. And a courgette.

If Pomfrey couldn't look after you, I would. I basically know what all the things do, I've seen her do it before. I don't mind you touching my hair… it calms me down when you do it.

You promise you don't hate me? I wouldn't want you to hate me.

Diary, journal, same thing. And yes, I am calling you a woman. I don't particularly want Porter to tell me about your manliness. So I think I'd like to read about your dreams. Reading's nearly as good as seeing it. Go on… I'll imagine it's happening to me, and not to you.

EW EW EW. YOU ARE WRONG. Fantasies with Snivellus? Excuse me while I go throw up.

I think being a prostitute is a much better job than wiping arses. Not as smelly. Hopefully. And yes, you do look after me. Someone needs to. I'm stupid.

You **do** tell Wormtail stuff! You told him when we were going to stitch all his clothes together. That completely spoiled the prank.

Well, before we can go and see a film I need to escape. We could eat popcorn. And chocolate. I'll see what I can do, Moonchild.

Damn you. You've seen through my cunning plan. I can't stop imagining you. If I did… there'd be no you. So I can't.

Nah, I haven't been stretching my teeth. Me and Prongs did that when we were younger, and it bloody hurt. So I wouldn't do it again. But I had you worried… Ha!

I suck only because you gave permission. Suck suck suck… can I use my tongue? Insert necessary eyebrow wiggle.

Sirius.

PS- ((Having an issue would mean)) ((Normal guys would just go and wank)) You didn't have to have sex with him. But, if he was good, I suppose I'm no one to lecture. Oh, the looking at people thing- trust me, that doesn't work. I've done that before. And anyway, I think I really need to care about someone before I can have proper decent sex with them. Oh, I like sex. But I've never had the kind of sex where you actually pass out it's so good. And yes, that does happen. That wasn't a corny joke by the way, it's a good one. I'm proud. Are you being a voyeur, listening for this guy?

PPS- So, the two of you got to the clothes sharing stage? You seem to have taken loads of pics on holiday… did you think you'd miss me?

PPPS- No, it's not the same at all. Me talking to you- that's just a minor annoyance. As is me being in Gryffindor. But me being gay- you have no idea how much they hate that in pureblood families. We have to have children, we have to continue the line. Your parents arrange your marriage. They might kill me for it, Remus. I didn't want to keep it from you, but I'm so used to keeping it a secret. I didn't want to put it down on paper. That makes it real. And I know I have you- but I'm still afraid. Remember, a while ago, I said Kreacher had been watching me sleep? Well, the comment that Regulus made was about my beloved **BLANK**. I'd been dreaming about him, that night. The more people that know, the more dangerous it is. I don't like arguing with you either. But as I'm not coming out, I don't want people to know.

PPPPS- I don't especially like Porter. Nothing personal. I just want to turn his head yellow. You should punch this guy! He sounds like a right wanker. If he's oblivious he doesn't deserve you.

PPPPPS- Right, this guy's your friend? Um… feel free to hit me, but is it James? Coz he's your friend. And I'm sorry about making the jokes about him fancying me (although it would be understandable, n'est pas?) Or is it… Snape? Because if you do like him, I promise I'll lay off. A bit. But he isn't good enough for you Rem. But I'll be happy for you. I love you, how can I do anything else?


	24. Chapter 24

**Greetings my (And Ozzie's) lovely reviewers! So sorry for the gap of time between updates. I'm entirely too lazy for my own good. -sweatdrops- Any mistakes in this belong to Lykaios (the only thing of mine...-boohoos-) Anyway, Fruits Basket has taken over my life. Hope that you enjoy this chapter...letter...thing. Review!**

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Sirius, 

Okay, I'm sorry, you being superior isn't _that_ funny. I guess that you could say that you are intelligent. One would just have to overlook the head/bed incident. And all of the other idiotic incidents as well. The idiotic occurrences seem to outweigh sensible acts _most_ of the time.

I highly doubt that you'll do something that'll make me hate you more than I need you. Erm…that is, I just…couldn't hate you. And I'm omniscient, that's how I know. Sagacious Moony.

Oh, I'm quite used to you. Just not Minerva, Dumbledore and loins of fire used together. Blech…

Thank Merlin! Now I can sleep at night because I know that I'm an invisibility cloak. Woo - hoo. I received the teachers' trust because I don't go around turning their hats/robes/other miscellaneous items into piles of goo.

Ha! I remember that happening. I bet that you'll think twice before jumping around after drinking a potion, now won't you? I specifically told you two not to go outside. And if you _absolutely_ had to go out, to at least put a rain repelling charm on you as well as a heating charm. Did anyone listen to me? No of course not. You and James enjoyed a nice snotty little vacation, lounging away in the Infirmary, didn't you? You should've seen your red nose. Quite endearing if you ask me.

Oh, you enjoy me on my knees do you? Interesting. I just _might_ feel like doing something else. If you ask all pretty like. : )

I'm choosing to ignore the comment about your head being big. You should try to get a cure for that innuendo disease of yours.

Sirius, you've just not found the right person to commit to. That's okay. I think that it's better to move around instead of committing to a person that you don't _want_ to be committed to. Although, maybe you've found him you just won't say anything to him about it. He'll never know if you don't tell him. Then you'll have to sit by and watch him frolic (I'm just assuming that he frolics, I could be totally wrong) away with his whomever. Hell you never know, he could like you just as much as you like him. BUT, you'll never know **_until you tell him_**!

Fine, Sirius Black. If you want to refer to yourself as a whore, please do continue. Put yourself down. And for some odd reason it makes me feel bad when you do that, but Oh! don't stop for my benefit. I had sex to get something out of it. Does that make me a whore? Whore's get paid for having sex - and that is out of the dictionary- did you?

I can't help it if your suitors are unsuitable. They should…try a little harder at being suitable for you. I have high standards and they don't get to you until they get through my inspections, got that?

Of course you'll have me! Hell, half the time I don't eat my toast anyway so you can have it. Besides, how do you know that I'd let you go anyway?

Okay, seriously though, if you were absolutely, positively, happy with someone and I was keeping you from that, I'd let you go. I only want you happy.

I doubt that you're imagining all of your feelings. Maybe some…but not all of them. And I'd say that the ones you are imagining have nothing to do with the…person…you like.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up. You're pissed off because the guy has had sex? Errr…either you want to kill the guy you're in love with - Wait. Are you killing the guy you love or the guy that supposedly hurt the one you're in love with?- and this guy is for sure gay? With the latter, you should be happy. Because that means you have a bit of chance. Not that you wouldn't have more of a chance than just a bit…

Hmmm…so do you know this guy that hurt your love? Did he even hurt him, or are you just exaggerating way too much?

Erm…well…okay you probably don't want to hear this, but you're going to. You might just be a bit better at sex than me. Because…errr…well you've technically fucked someone. I, on the other hand…haven't (just so you know, I'd hate for my mum to walk in here right now and see my face. It's so red, she'd automatically think I was doing something "dirty"). You've really got it bad for this bloke, don't you? TELL HIM, TELL HIM, TELL HIM!

I think that we should sacrifice James for the position of Head Boy. Just because I agree with you about Pete. You would do _nothing_ that a Head Boy should, so you're out of the running. I hate attention. So yeah…it's James then. I think that it would be a good thing that I rubbed off on him. Ah, good, you say? Well I suppose I should find a pair to try then, yeah? Would you like to come and help me search for them?

Using posh words isn't the only thing that makes me smarter. I'm just smarter by default. Because it clearly states in the rules of the Marauders that the one named Remus John Lupin is the smart one. So there. : P

Chocolate is good, yes. I suppose that will have to do. But when you refer to yourself as Uncle Siri, it disturbs me greatly. Desist.

So if the tides aren't amazingly important, does that mean that I am? Ahh, you're the pretty star and I'm the moon. We need an adjective to describe the moon/me. Otherwise it's not going to work. See, we do need each other. It's in the sky (that sounded horribly corny. Overlook that). So even if you did (for some weird unexplainable reason) do something that made me hate you. I could be away from you. And besides, I wouldn't hate you for long. Maybe a couple of days is all. I'm telling you this now to reassure you that if you _do_ do something that makes me hate you, it won't last very long.

I have, indeed, met Severus Snape. He's only awful to you because you're awful to him. He's really not that bad. Although I have no reason as to why he's mean to the Muggleborns and Muggles. Unless they've been mean to him as well.

Oh you just wait, I'll use my charms and wiles (which I still believe to be nonexistent) to make you tell him.

Uhm, no. I think I'll pass on the courgette/you/James story.

-Swoons- Awww, m'dear Paddy would take care of me! Scalp massages are very, very nice. They make me a bit sleepy, but they feel nice. I like the feel of fingers threaded through my hair, blunt nails on my scalp. Hmmm…

Anyway, I don't mind touching your hair either. It's nice and…erm…soft. Smells nice too.

Trust me on this one, I **do not** hate you. At all.

I'm not a woman. And you don't want to be assured of my manliness? Why is it that you seem to hate Porter when you've never even seen the guy? He's not bad. I promise. There will be no reading of my dreams, which, by the way, are contained in my **journal**.

Oh calm down. It doesn't really involve him in _that_ way. He was just in the dream.

I'm sure that prostituting could be just as smelly as wiping arse. You're right. Someone _does_ need to look after you. But you're not stupid. You just don't use common sense all of the time.

That time doesn't count! I had to tell him. He would have gotten stuck in his clothes. And I **REFUSED** to be the one helping him out of them. You know that it would have been me helping him because you and James would have been laughing to hard to even get up off the floor. Oh no, it wouldn't have been me doing it. **Ugh**…and I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't have wanted to help him either.

If you need help escaping, tell me. I'll help. I'll enlist mum to do so as well. And Papa as well. : ) Aww…I'm quite fond of that nickname. Makes me feel three types of fuzzy inside. And not gross fuzzy either. Like good fuzzy. I don't have any good nicknames for you, so you'll just have to deal I suppose.

We could mix the popcorn and the chocolate together!

Muahahah! I told you that I was a genius. I told you that you love me too much to let your mind get rid of me. If your mind invented me, that is.

Well, you have nice teeth, they don't need stretching. Of course I'd be worried.

Oh sure, tongue away. Tongues are usually always nice. I enjoy them. Well most of them anyway. I don't think I would much enjoy someone like…that Ravenclaw who was making googly eyes at you over dinner the last night we were there. She just seems to have a gross everything. Anyway…I'm getting off track. Tongue and suck away.

Love,

Remus

PS - You sound (if you follow me) cross that I had sex with him. Did you not want me to? Do you guys know each other and you're both just keeping it a secret from me! WHAT HAS HE TOLD YOU?!

Voyeur…hmmm…no not really. And I wasn't particularly listening for him like _that_. But, I can hear the girls whispering when we walk down the corridors, no matter how quiet they think they're being.

PPS - No. I don't suppose that you could really count it as the "clothes sharing stage". He just needed a shirt because he spilled paint on his. You know, I really could have just left all of my pictures at home. Then how would you feel, knowing that I didn't even think to bring something that reminds me of you with me? Of course I miss you. Err…and James and Pete as well….

PPPS - Just because it wasn't on paper doesn't make it any less real. Well if they even _try _to _think_ about killing you, I will rip their bowels out through their mouths and rip them to shreds. Well, you now officially have my permission to beat Regulus to a bloody pulp. And if you don't, I just might. Who the hell is he to talk when I seen him and Lu….Ooh! I better not continue writing that sentence. Well, I've not told anyone that you are. So until you want to tell someone, your secret is safe with me.

PPPPS - Well you should keep your spells and jinxes and charms away from Porter's head. I don't think that he'd be too keen on his head being yellow. Either one for that matter. Who am I punching? Porter? Or the guy I like? I don't suppose that I'll punch either of them. Unless Porter does something really terrible. The guy I like is a wanker, a huge one, but I guess I don't mind. As long as he's there as a friend.

PPPPPS - Yes, the guy is my friend. No! It's not James, and you will receive a sound thrashing as soon as I see you again. Ehhh…it's not Severus. But I'm flattered that you would lay off of him for me. : ) Even if it was just a bit.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Okay...sooooo hopefully Ozzie won't try to make that hop, skip, and jump across the "pond" to kill me for posting her chapter/letter, but I figured since we hadn't updated since...(winces and prepares herself for the onslaught of thrown objects, etc, etc) _January_ I'd post it. As of right now we have Letters 26 and 28 on here for editing...I'm not entirely sure where Oz has placed Letter 27...it'll turn up I'm sure. But from there, I don't think we have anymore written...sooooooo...motivate Oz cause she's the one who hasn't wrote the last letter (smiles innocently large at Oz). Pssst...if she asks...it wasn't me who told you all that she needs to write the next one...kay?? (smiles) All mistakes belong to Oz. Have fun with this chapter guys/girls. AND REVIEW!!!!!

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REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMUS, 

(I LOVE SUGAR)

The most intelligent of us are usually the most misunderstood. The fact that I tend to be stupid on occasion is merely because I wouldn't want you mere mortals to feel like fools when compared to my magnificence.

What if I killed someone? Would you hate me then? (I'm just seeing how far you'd let me go. Because there'd have to be something that would make you never want to see me again) You do know all, I'll admit that. You always seem to know when I'm going to do something wrong… I call that the Minnie reflex. I think you're turning into her.

OLD PEOPLE DESERVE SEX TOO. Maybe not as much, and with lots of lotion, but they still deserve sex. Honestly. How do you think you're going to cope when you're their age?

You're no fun at times. Goo is fun. You need to lighten up and enjoy life- carpe diem!

Me and Prongs had to have that race! It was a matter of honour! He had insulted my Quidditch team. The Falcons rule all, baby. And it was worth getting the cold, if only to see Lily's face when James blew all that snot over her. I am always endearing. A big puppy, I am.

Oh, pretty please Mr Lupin… will you put your talented mouth to a better use? Please?

Innuendo is my lifeblood. Without it I am nothing.

I AM NOT TELLING HIM ANYTHING. HE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE. SO NER. I will just have to hang around you for the rest of my life. You can adopt kids that I can play with.

I can see our lives, spreading out into the distance. You'll find a nice bloke, settle down with him, and adopt kids. And he'll get jealous of me. Because, let's be honest, who wouldn't? I'm gorgeous. You'll be so in love with him that I'll be left by the side of the road… sniff… I'm in one of my abandoned moods, ignore me.

You're too nice a person. That's why you feel bad when I hate myself. You've got enough love for the whole world. And that's why you're not a whore. Because you did feel something for Porter, even if it was just friendship. Feeling nothing and then shagging someone is worse.

It's my fault the girls I go for are bad. They're the easy ones. Means less effort to get them into bed.

I want you to be happy more than anything. I shall dance for you to make you happy.

Yeah, I'm pissed off because he had sex. With another guy. I think that makes me more mad than anything… if it was with a girl, I'd accept it more. It's just annoying, more than anything. I put my guy on a pedestal, and found out he had feet of clay. I love him still. Can't do anything else. And no, the other guy didn't hurt him. I'm just being a bastard about it.

Ah, I've been angling for info about this for such a long time… so, you were on bottom? Argh, maybe I don't want to know. Or… by not having fucked someone, do you mean that you didn't have full proper sex? Just oral?

I'm donning my sacrificial robe, Remmie boy. I can just see Dumbledore as an old god… with Minerva his chief priestess. We throw James to them… and they shall force him to join with Evans in a strange mating ceremony. Actually, maybe it'd be better if it was me. About time Hogwarts got shook up.

You're willing to try the stockings? TRANSVESTITE! See! See!

I suppose RL is the smart one. PP whiny one. JP lovesick goofy one. SB pretty one.

What will Prong's spawn call me then? If not Uncle Siri? Pad? Coz Padfoot is too difficult for young lips.

Of course you're important, Moonchild (I shall call you this when I'm feeling fuzzy and nice- not that often). You are the enigmatic moon. I never know quite what you're going to do. You're multifaceted. And I love you for it. Make me a nickname. Make one. I want one. Now.

You know I can be a stubborn bastard. And I'm going to be. Not telling him. So there. Not unless you tell too.

I'll give you scalp massages. With my ohsotalented fingers… a lot of girls like my 'spirit fingers'. Nudge nudge. Oh yeah. Seriously though, tell me if you're getting a headache and I'll help.

My hair smells nice because of my shampoo. Very good stuff. It's got bamboo in it. I think.

Maybe you are a woman and you're just hiding it. I mean, I've never seen you naked. Seen James. Even seen Peter (I don't wish to repeat that experience). I hate Porter… just because. I just do. I'm allowed irrational prejudices. It's my Pureblood right, remember?

What was Snape doing in your dream then? Watching? You little exhibitionist, you.

Having sex is only smelly if you do it wrong. And I won't. After all, it's only sex. You don't need to think about it. I'll have sex and think about daffodils.

Look after me Moony. Make sure I don't turn the trees green. Oh, hang on…

If Wormtail had ended up in his clothes, it would have been pretty damn funny. You could've joined in with the laughing. But no, you've got a conscience. You know, that's one of your worst features. Let him get out of his own clothes. He shouldn't need us all the time.

Chocolate flavoured popcorn? Why… it might just work! You can do it though. I can't cook.

My mind invents everything. So, actually, I'm a genius because otherwise I wouldn't be able to imagine _you_ being a genius. Oh, I'm so good. I should be a god.

I shall brush my teeth tonight and think of you.

My tongue is very nice. It's flexible. I find teeth are quite useful too when a tongue is involved. Adds a bit of spice.

That Ravenclaw? Um… yeah, she does have a gross tongue. I kinda… did her. When we got drunk, and I said I was going to the loo- that's where I was. Something upset me. I needed to get it out of my system. That was the only reason.

Hugs and kisses,

Siri

PS- No, Rem, I didn't want you to have sex with him. Why would you just go off and have sex with some random guy you met on holiday? You're the smart one, you're not supposed to do that. You should have just wanked. As for your mystery guy- I guess your wolf hearing does come in useful.

PPS- He sounds like a right ponce, painting. Well, obviously he's a ponce. But you know what I mean. I like the idea of you taking pics of us with you, it is sweet. But still… if you were here I'd tickle you and make you blush. You big girl.

PPPS- They could read my letters. I wouldn't put it past Mother. And if you kill them, you know they'll execute you. Don't you DARE. Or I shall poke. Muchly. Hehehe… I think you should finish the sentence. I need to know all about my little brother. ALL. And thanks, Rem. You should probably burn these letters.

PPPPS- I'll curse Porter if I want to. You can't stop me. Punch the guy you like. Make him hurt.

PPPPPS- (these are really getting ridiculous) Describe him to me. Your friend. Just describe them, if you won't tell me who they are.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: Ohhhh luvies! I am back! lol And so is Oz! She just sent me another letter...squees and jumps up and down. Well any little mistake in this is mine. So uhm yeah. And if you all love me you won't, I repeat **_won't_**, throw any sort of rotten vegetable or fruit at me for not updating since April. Good news though. I'm graduated! YAY! lol Drop a review!

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Sirius,

Drop the candy, or whatever sugary substance you are eating, and back away from it slowly. No sudden movements.

Oh, I know how you are. You're just trying to see how far you can take it. And if I actually say "Fine, Sirius, if you killed someone I will hate you forever and ever until the end of time." then you'll just mope and weep and look at me with those damn puppy dog eyes of yours. Double edged sword if you ask me. So I won't be continuing that line of conversation any farther.

Sirius Black, one can tell by looking at you that you're getting ready to do something wrong. Most of the time you smile a certain smile and your eyes get especially squinty. I am not, I repeat, am **_not_** turning into Minerva McGonagall.

I realise that old people have sex. I just don't want to know about McGonagall and Dumbledore's sex life. Because, well…I just don't. When I'm they're age…either I'll have copious amounts of sex or…none at all. That's how I'll cope.

Most goos are not fun at all. They're…goo. And gross. I enjoy life and I'm fun all of the time. Forgive me for not wanting to slip into Minnie's room at various hours of the day (or night) to turn her…oh how was it that you put it…her " lovely, chartreuse brassiere - and oh my, doesn't it just look lovely on her" into a pile of goo. (That was a direct qutote I hope you know.) Nope…sorry. Doesn't seem too exciting to me.

You **_had_** to have that race? Was there nothing else you could have done? Like a game of chess? Or something that wasn't out in the _rain_? Well, I'll have you know that I didn't really care to have snot and drool all over _my_ pillow. And why was it exactly that you had to sleep in my bed? Because, and I quote, "I'm sick, Moony! I hate being alone when I'm sick. Don't you care about me? What if this is a terminal illness! And you don't even care that I wanted to spend my last few hours with you!". Obviously, it wasn't. Because you're still here. I don't mind though. You _were _quite endearing after that little tantrum. All red-nosed and stuffed up.

Hmmm…you're a pretty good persuader. So I suppose that I will put my talented (your words, not mine…although it has to be somewhat talented…---You know what, I'll go no further with that train of thought) mouth to better use.

Humph. You make it sound as if spending the rest of your life with me (and my hypothetical adopted kids) would be some horrible thing. I still think that you should tell him. You'll never know until you try. You've got my life (and my putative nice bloke's) pretty much planned out don't you? Well piss on you, Sirius. I'll spend the rest of my life with you and your damn moodiness if I want to.

No, I feel bad when you hate yourself because I LOVE YOU! You're my best mate, Sirius. And you shouldn't hate yourself. There's no reason to. You want to know what first attracted me to Porter? HIS DAMN LOOKS. So yeah, I felt something for Porter. I was like "Oh, isn't he a nice piece of ass." That's not friendship or anything. I did it just to have sex. Because I **_wanted_** it. Regardless that Porter and I are friends now.

Woo! A dance. Exciting.

Putting him on a pedestal wasn't fair to him, Sirius. Everyone is human, (well all most everyone) and we all make mistakes. Besides, you have sex. And I realise that it's with girls, but I still don't see the difference in it.

Erm….bottom. But…er….you mentioned my talented mouth earlier. It is pretty talented…according to Porter.

I just think that you want to see me in drag Sirius.

Your descriptions of us make me laugh. Well, what if I wanted to be the smart and pretty one? Could that work out. Or what about James? Can't he be the lovesick yet pretty one?? Or would that mess up the entire nomenclatural process?

Oh, young ones can call you Uncle Siri. But I refuse to look at you and call you "Uncle Siri". It just doesn't work like that.

And because you're a demanding bugger, you can't make fun of my nick-name making skills, I shall grant you with a nick-name. And…erm…Stardust…?? It's the best I can do. Sorry.

If you're not sure about wanting to hear about whether or not I was fucked, then I don't want to hear about the girls that love your "spirit fingers". I thank you for your generous offering of the use of your ohsotaleneted fingers. I shall alarm you whenever I feel a headache coming on.

Hmm….bamboo…interesting.

I'm not a damn woman! You're the one using shampoo with _bamboo_ in it! Just because you haven't seen me naked doesn't mean I'm a woman! Do I have to get naked to prove that I am, indeed, a male?? Ew…Peter and naked don't need to be in the same sentence! Gross, gross, gross.

You've not even met Porter, how can you hate him? And I don't think that you should be able to use your Purebloodness as an excuse. Because you're not like them.

Hey, if Severus wants to watch me and someone else have sex, then that's his kink. I was just having sex, okay? I can't help it y-------oooh, the guy in my fantasy decided to ravish me in the hallway.

Daffodils make me sneeze. I don't want to have sex and sneeze.

Padfoot, you are a great oaf. Loveable, but an oaf nonetheless.

Well, I suppose it would have been a bit funny to see him stuck in his clothes. But you should maybe think of how it would make him feel if you all would have pranked him.

Sirius, all you do to make "chocolate" popcorn is make popcorn and put chocolate chips in it (after it's been popped). I'll do it though. Don't need you hurting yourself, or others for that matter, trying to make popcorn.

Awww…how sweet. You think of me….when you brush your teeth.

Hmmm…teeth sound nice. Not too much though.

Something upset you? So you went to the bog and had sex. With the gross Ravenclaw??? In the **_loo_**????

Why does it seem that you're telling me off for having sex? So I'm smart? Do smart people not have sex? Need I remind you that you have sex all of the time? I'll have you know that wanking and sex do not feel the same, though you should know that by now. Hell someone else's **_hand_** feels much better than one's own. Contrary to popular belief, Padfoot, I am a teenage boy. Who does have hormones. They do kick in and I can get just as randy as the rest of you he-man-macho guys. Hell, I wouldn't doubt it if I didn't get **_hornier_** than you all (plus I'd last longer…werewolf stamina and all that junk).

Porter is a ponce because he paints???? There's a lot of eye rolling going on here, Sirius. He's not that bad of an artist. And besides, what is it that you do? Play piano, dance, and singing lessons? Besides, don't you paint and draw as well?

No tickling, because well…I'm ticklish. And while it might be fun for the tickler, sometimes it's not too great for the tickled. I can't help it that I blush!

Well, if I kill them, then I'll get executed so I don't suppose that it'd matter if you poked me or not. Erm…yes… Regulus and that Hufflepuff Lucas Bagman…well I found them in the Prefects bathroom (seeing as Lucas is a prefect). Let's just say that flexible tongues and talented fingers must run in your family. Have you both got good knees??

Remind me to punch you the next time I see you.

Love,

Remus

PS - I had to agree that the "PS's" were getting ridiculous. But you started them. So I ended most of them. Anyway. If I describe my "friend" you have to describe the guy you like…

He's seriously wonderful. Taller than me…but not by much. Long, gorgeous, black hair. Smells nice too. Smokey gray eyes. A few (very few, hardly visible) freckles dusted across the bridge of his nose and cheeks. Great body, nicely toned. He probably has the most delicious looking hands I have ever seen in my entire life. And his feet are great as well. **_Wonderful_** arse. Although his looks aren't everything. He's got a wonderful sense of humour. He's loyal and loveable. An all around great guy. I love him entirely. And if it happens that he never knows how I feel, well as long as he's happy. I'm happy.

So yeah…that's him. Enjoy. I look forward to hearing about your guy.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: Lykaios again. I'm guessing that Oz isn't too cheesed off about me updating for her. I know that life is creeping up on her so I don't mind updating and stuff. Also...it might be a bit late, but I hope that if we have readers that were affected by the flooding in England that they're all okay. I hope everyone is safe and warm. That goes out to all readers as well. Peace and Love...(That's the hippie part of me rambling...lol)

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Dear Remus,

I was eating chocolate. The chocolate you gave me at the end of last term. Remember? You see, I was starving. Was going to leave the chocolate for a very special occasion, but I presumed that saving my life counted.

You know me too well, Master Lupin. But, you see, I've been niggling at the point because there's something I need to say. Or do. And I think you'll hate me for it. But it's driving me crazy. Argh. I hate my head.

Aw… I thought I looked innocent. You know, with the big puppy dog eyes. If you tell me to do my homework again though, you WILL be Minnie. Ha. Mwhahaha. I mock.

Think about Minnie and Dumbles…. I think it's sweet, really. Love in the workplace.

Goo is fun. You need goo for other fun… I hope you know what I mean. Those years as my dorm mate should have paid off in your education somewhere.

THE BRA. ACK, THE BRA. Happy thoughts…

Chess is _boring._ SO boring. Why sit there and watch little men moving around a board? You have to get out and live life. Take risks for yourself. Don't just sit around and wait for things to happen to you. Be proactive, not reactive.

Your bed smelt nice. Like you. And I thought I was going to die! Pomfrey gave me some potion, and that still didn't help. Next time I want you to do something for me, I'll look ill and that'll do the trick.

Yes! I get your mouth! Woop!

I wouldn't mind spending my life with you and your kids, just your nice bloke. I'd find something wrong with him. Nothing's good enough for you.

I love you too. You're the one thing that makes me feel better about myself- I suppose I can't be too horrible if you're friends with me. I want to know what Porter looks like. Bet he isn't as much of a slut as my girls.

This dance will rock your socks, Lupin. More erotic than anything you've ever seen.

'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove.' That Muggle Shakespeare had some good ideas… I still love my guy, no matter what mistakes he makes. I was just being petty- I want to be his only guy, he'd be my only. I couldn't consider going with another one, coz it'll feel like cheating on him. The girls are different. Worthless.

And I finally discover the secrets of your love life. I thought the wolf would have made you dominate… dunno why. Some people would say that you're weak, and fragile. You're not though- I've seen you get highly aggressive.

Remus in drag… darling, there is nothing that would excite me more. I'm getting tingles just thinking about it. French maid costume sound ok?

Nope. I have decided who you are, now you must stick to it. Anyway - who'd call Prongs pretty? You, maybe. But never him. Now I've named you, you must live up to those names for the REST OF ETERNITY. HA.

I like the name Uncle Siri. I don't care if it sounds like it came from a sickening romantic woman, it's cool. I think it has an air of danger. Wears a leather coat and hangs around on street corners.

Yay! Stardust! Sounds a bit gay though… actually, why am I fussing? I should sound gay. It shall be my gay name. Woopness. But why? Just coz of my name? If so, I am sorely disappointed by you. Shame.

Come on mate, we need to share every detail of our lives. Including the sex. My "spirit fingers" are _amazing._

My bamboo shampoo is great! It says on it that it'll give me lustrous locks, guaranteed no tangles. I don't like having frizzy hair. And that's not because I'm girly. It's because I'm concerned about my wonderful looks. I don't want to lose them.

Yes, you must be naked to prove your masculinity. Otherwise you might be faking it.

Porter. Porter Porter Porter. He's… I just hate him. I just do, ok? Don't ask me why. Really. There is no reason.

Well, it's not really Snape's kink, is it? It's your kink. Because he was only watching in your dream. Oo, which hallway? If I know, I can tease you every time we walk down it… :)

Ok, I'll think about roses instead when I have sex. Are roses acceptable? Actually… roses are prickly. Lilies, maybe? Nope, bad connotations there. I dunno. What flower? You pick.

If I'm an oaf, then you're… you're… you're a cuttlefish. Ha.

Wormtail chooses to be friends with us. He knows the risks he takes. If he didn't want to have friends who prank him, he should've found other people.

I wouldn't've thought of making popcorn like that. I mean, in salt popcorn, they don't put chunks of salt in with it. That'd taste weird. Actually, salted popcorn is weird anyway. Not sweet. What's the point of it?

I'm always thinking of you, Remus dear. Teeth time is just another part of it.

No, I wouldn't use too much tooth. After all, that could get painful.

Yeah, something upset me. I looked at the guy I love, and he looked so beautiful that it hurt me. Because I couldn't have him, because I'm not strong enough to tell him how I feel. She was my way of releasing tension.

I'm telling you off for having sex with someone on holiday. I thought that you knew that sex was supposed to be special, with just the one person who means a lot to you. See, I'm stupid enough to not be able to follow that. I'm sorry.

Werewolf stamina? This sounds interesting… I may have to see the truth of this statement. I'm quite good myself.

I only do all that stuff because Mother made me take lessons when I was younger. I like the piano… it's relaxing. Dancing, the girls like. The singing makes me look responsible in some strange way. And the painting - it allows me to draw you lot. I've got them on one wall, hidden behind a charm. Mwhahahaha.

Next time I see you, Lupin - it's tickle time.

Nope, you're not killing them. Tell you what, if you get yourself executed, then I'll never talk to you in whatever afterlife there is.

A Hufflepuff?! Bloody hell. Regulus obviously isn't as Pureblood as Mother would like to think. That hypocritical bastard though… I taught him everything he knows, you know. NOT IN THAT WAY I'm not incestuous. Much. I've never had the chance to find out about my good knees… someday!

Don't punch me! Just coz I'm cursing Porter. Remember, punch the guy you love, not just your best friend.

Love,

Sirius.

PS - I quite liked the PS's.

PPS - So I'm doing more. HA! The guy you like sounds quite nice. The one I like - bit shorter than me. Wavy almost-blond hair, just long enough to get into his eyes. He always says he's going to cut it, never gets round to it. Eyes that are the most unique colour I've ever seen, and when you look into them most people can never tell what he's thinking - I can though, I've been watching him long enough. Oh, and bloody hell his lips are AMAZING. I WANT THEM. He's got scars, which make him look so hard. Right, and the nonsuperficial stuff- he's smart, funny, self deprecating. He'll forgive me for everything that I do. Even though he never should. I'm a prat, a self obsessed arse- but I'd give up everything to make him happy.

Speak soon.

PPPS- FUCK FUCK FUCK REM, IS IT ME???

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Drop reviews...I love them. grins 


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: Back again! YAY! Make sure to read the a/n at the bottom, kay! Thanks to all who have added us to their favourite authors and/or favourite stories. And thanks for all the reviews! Also, we're creeping up to the time where we don't have the other letters written out. Well, we do have some already...but not a lot. I do hope Oz is okay, I've not talked to her in a while, but if need be, I'll find the other letters in my e-mail account and upload them on here for editing and posting.

Disclaimer: I don't own the verse of a poem in this, William Shakespeare does (or...whoever owns it now).

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Sirius, 

I was going to say that maybe you should lay off the chocolate as it seems to be increasing your energy. Which is resulting in your high level of hyper-activity. BUT, and hopefully you got this far before you started rolling your eyes and saying "LOOSEN UP A BIT REMUS!", because you were starving I think it's okay. Of course saving your life counted, that's an incredibly special occasion.

Are they really starving you? Because if they are I'm coming over there. Without warning. Okay technically this would be a warning, but I'm counting on you to not warn them. Anyway, I would come over there without warning and rip their sleazy black guts out. With my bare hands. : )

Fine, I won't bring up the subject of doing homework again. Mmkay? Does that make Paddy happy? I am NOT turning into Minerva McGonagall. How dare you even think such thoughts. If you keep saying that, you'll rue the day you even thought of it.

Awww. I don't hate your head. It's quite nice to be honest. Although sometimes you get this weird look on your face when you don't understand something. Your eyebrows seem to want to meet each other and one nostril flairs. It makes me laugh. Well good god man! If you need to do or say something then do it. You can't bottle everything up forever can you?

I'm going to just ignore your goo comment.

HEY! You're the one who commented said brassiere, not I. So don't "Ack, the bra" me. I'll just block you out.

What's wrong with sitting and enhancing your mind a bit. I'm not saying that one should play chess 24 hours a day 7 days a week, with minimal loo and snack breaks. It's just I don't see why one should run amok **all** of the time.

Why thank you. Whoever would have guessed that **my** bed smells like **me**? I'm just joshing. I take your comment to heart and I'm glad that I seemingly smell good.

See, now you've told me your master plans to use the "Oh-Remmie-I'm-so-sick" card every time you want something. So now I don't know if I could believe you.

Oh rubbish! You knew you weren't going to die. You just wanted someone to take care of you for a while. Milked it for all it was worth, you did.

You should be happy you've got my mouth. It seems to be in good, working condition. So what do I get, if you get my mouth?

Who ever said that I would get my nice bloke? What if my nice bloke was straight, although he is not. OR! What…what if my nice bloke has a nice bloke of his own? So I'll either have no kids or I'll just be stuck with my hypothetical kids and no nice bloke. Well that's just peachy, yeah?

Porter thinks that you're good looking. He says you've got "a cute nose" and "a nice, strong jaw line." I'm sending you a picture of him with this letter, so be happy. No, I don't suppose Porter is as big of a slut as "your" girls. Although, I consider that a good thing myself.

Of course you're not too incredibly horrible.

Ooh, a sock-rocking, incredibly erotic dance. My favourite.

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with you. You were being petty. Incredibly petty. How do you know that he doesn't consider the guy he was with to be worthless? I realise that you want to be his only guy, but things don't always work out the exact way we want them to.

Ah yes, Shakespeare. _"How can my Muse want subject to invent, While thou dost breathe, that pour'st into my verse Thine own sweet argument, too excellent For every vulgar paper to rehearse?" _He was great.

Quite the opposite actually. Because the wolf is dominate (Full Moon Only) I suppose I have sort of a natural instinct for submissiveness instead. I'm not going to say that I'm _always_ disinclined to being dominate. It's sort of a counteraction I guess.

See, I knew you wanted me in that French Maid costume. And that pink frilly underwear stuff is a fantasy of yours, _c'est ne pas_?

Stardust…hmm…does sound a trifle bit gay. Oh, well. It suits you. No! It's not just because of your name. Although that did play a bit of a part in it. But it's because I heard this song called "Lady Stardust" and it reminds me of you. So there ::blows raspberries::.

Well thank all of the stars above that I now know your spirit fingers are amazing. Shall I start talking about Porter's fingers? They're long…slender. Quite nice actually…

I'm not going to get naked to prove me being a guy. Because you should've already seen me naked, considering you spend **every** full moon with me.

Well, I suppose it could be my kink. But I'm not sure I would want Snape watching. Unless it was someone he liked. Then I _might_ be persuaded to do it. But it could also be his kink. He could just like watching people. A voyeur. Bleh…Snape the Voyeur.

Do you actually think that I would tell you what hallway, knowing that you would tease me unmercifully about it? Uhm, no.

Oh I don't know what kind of flowers. Morning glories or Moon Flowers or Honeysuckle, I don't know.

I refuse to believe that I am a cuttlefish - that is flat, has ten arms, and eject a black, inky fluid for defense.

Who exactly could Peter have found, my dear Sirius? You held him hostage so Snape would give you the Wizard Card he found in the hall. Snape wanted to hex the snot out of Pete. All because Peter took Snape's Rememberall and ran into our compartment. After he got away from Snape the second time, he ran right back into our compartment and his fate- and ours- was sealed.

Salted popcorn is salty because some people don't like sweet things, or can't have sweet things. Have you ever tried chocolate-covered pretzels?? Or chocolate-covered peanuts? They're scrumptious. The perfect blend of chocolate and salt.

Yes, too much teeth can be painful.

Okay, let me get this straight. You looked at the guy, realised he was beautiful, got horny, and decided to fuck a girl? To release tension? Sounds logical enough.

I've officially just scared myself. I said that something you came up with was logical. Just playing.

Yes, werewolf stamina. Porter seemed to enjoy it quite immensely. You're quite good, you say? So I've heard.

Sirius, I'm not going to apologize for having sex with Porter. Bottom line. I'm sorry that you're disappointed in me. But you're always telling me "Loosen up, Moony." or "You should really live a little and get your nose out of that book.". And while I'm not saying that to loosen up one would have to go out and have sex, but it's over and done. I can't undo it.

I think it's great that you're good at all of these things. That way, if I get bored, you can entertain me with song, music, dance, and art. Ooh! You draw me?? I want to see them. When have you drawn me before?

Tickle me and you're dead. Or at least in a lot of physical pain. I wouldn't kill you.

I'm going to pretend I didn't read "Nope, you're not killing them. Tell you what, if you get yourself executed, then I'll never talk to you in whatever afterlife there is." And if I didn't read it then you can't be mad and not talk to me in the afterlife if I do get executed for killing them.

See…now you get beat Regulus to a bloody pulp for being such a damn hypocrite. : )

The next time I see you Sirius, you're getting punched.

Lovingly yours,

Remus

PS - They were alright, but there were many times when I had to recount the P's because there were so many.

PPS - Your bloke sounds lovely…

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A/N: You all have by now - I'm hoping that you have - noticed a lack of response from Remus about Sirius's question. Don't worry, it was meant to be like that. Enjoy...and drop a review! 


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Still Lykaios updating, not complaining though. Just wanting to know that Oz is alright and that everyone else is okay as well. Anyway...this update is in celebration of my watching of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Gah...I cried so fucking hard. lol. Anyway...it was the BEST out of the lot of them. Prisoner of Azkaban within a few inches of taking that title. I encourage you all to see it, if you haven't yet. Thanks to all who have reviewed and story alerted/story favourited, etc, etc, and so on and so forth.

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Rem,

Of _course_ chocolate increases your energy. What else is it good for? It gives me the kick I need to actually get through the day. Hyperness is also good. If I'm hyper, I'm not depressed. Non?

I'm always starving for something. Yes, you heard me. Starving. I want chocolate sauce and marshmallows. And then any covering of your choice.

I'm locked in my room, ok? Just – I made some kind of stupid comment. And got thrown in here. I'll be ok – Kreacher brings me up stuff once a day. But I'm a growing lad.

We've had this discussion before. You're not going to kill anyone. At all. And don't try to outlogic me, Mr Lupin. I've had lessons in it. Really. He was SUCH a boring guy.

Yes, happy Paddy. No homework. Never. Never ever. It's all a figment of diseased imaginations. And you just don't want to be Minnie because then I'll have sexual fantasies about you. And the bra. Remmie in a purple bra. Heh…

At least I have a nice head. And don't laugh at me when I don't know something. At least I'm not you – your tongue sticks out the corner of your mouth when you concentrate. And you get a little line between your eyebrows.

I can bottle up for a long time. I'm actually rather repressed, I'll have you know.

CAN'T BLOCK OUT UNCLE SIRI! LISTEN TO HIM, REMUS J LUPIN!

You shouldn't want to enhance your mind. Merlin, especially not when it's _your_ brain. It's full to bursting as it is. Kaboom like. Running amok is good for keeping yourself feeling young. Young at heart, young inside.

You do smell good. All… purples. You know what I mean. When we're all canine-inclined, and seeing the smells… you're a kind of greenish purple. And when I'm ill, I like your bed, because it makes me feel safe. It's almost as good as being with you. You should always believe me. Otherwise, I might be _dying_ and you won't believe me, and I might die. Then you'll feel bad.

I may die at any time. I am a delicate soul, ok?

I _am_ happy I get your mouth! The things I can do with your mouth… Take your pick of my body. I'm not using most of it.

Of course you'd get your nice bloke. See, you just said that he's gay. Even if he did have his own nice bloke, all you'd have to do would be to smile at him. Shyly, like you do. The way that makes all the girls swoon. Even if you do end up without your bloke (not gonna happen), I'll be with you. All the way. I know I'm not nice, but… well.

I… I suppose Porter's good looking. Nice smile. Didn't think you'd go for that dangerous look- that scar on his lip looks like he got punched by some girl wearing a ring. But you know he's got his arms around you- is he touching your arse? He looks a bit too pleased with himself.

This dance will only happen once. It's a one-time-only offer.

He's not that kind of guy, to just have sex and discard them. Well… I've been speaking to him, and apparently he just had sex for the sake of it. But he's still friends with the guy. And I've now seen the guy. He's gorgeous. I think I would do this one.

Shakespeare was gay, yes?

Does that mean that if, you know, you had sex with someone while in wolf form – you'd dominate then?

French maid, pink underwear, purple bra – oh, it would all be so much easier if you were a woman. It'd all make sense then. But talk French more – it's sexeh.

Ok, so I'm Stardust. Stardust and Moonchild against the world. The most openly gay superheroes. Who's the song by? I don't think I've heard it…Was it one of Porter's?

My fingers are better. Really long. It's all the piano playing, it stretches them. I have nice nails too.

Get naked. Full moon doesn't count, you won't let us in to see the transformation. So I've never _actually_ seen you in the buff.

You really can be a malicious little wolf, can't you? You tell me off constantly for making comments about hurting Snape, and then you say you'd shag some guy you knew Snape liked in front of him. Exhibitionist.

Tell me. I'll tell you which toilets not to use because of what I've done.

Just like you, huh? All those flowers… Honeysuckle I love. Ever eaten it? It tastes nice.

Well you are a cuttlefish. I say so. You're a smelly cuttlefish to boot.

Peter could have found new friends when he got to Hogwarts. Or at any time during the last few years when he discovered what we were like. And I needed that Wizard Card! It was the only one I didn't have at the time. The advantages of stealing cards from younger brothers and cousins rather than wasting time finding them yourself.

I feel for people who don't like sweet things. Means they can never have me – hehehe. And no, I've never had chocolate pretzels. I like chocolate raisins, even if they do look like what Peter has under his bed.

You have personal experience with teeth?

I'm always logical. Especially when it comes to sex.

Bet Porter couldn't keep up with you. And I know I'm the talk of Hogwarts – but you shouldn't believe everything they say. Most of it, in my case. Obviously.

OK, I'm sorry I keep on having a go at you about Porter. I'll shut up about it now. And I'm glad you've loosened up a bit. It's just – I dunno. I just don't think I ever thought you _would_ ever lighten up. It just doesn't seem like you.

I thought I entertained you anyway, with my dazzling wit. The other things are just extras.

You are not seeing my drawings of you. I don't think they're good enough. And I draw you… I draw you from memory, most of the time. There's one where you're sat out by the lake. And a couple when you're asleep. Please don't think I'm creepy.

You'll be laughing too much to hurt me. And then I'll bat my eyelids and you'll fall for me.

I would have beaten Regulus anyway. This just gives me a reason to do so.

DO NOT HURT MY FACE. ANYWHERE BUT THE FACE.

Forever,

Sirius

PS- You're smart, learn to count.

PPS- My bloke's wonderful.

PPPS- Look, Remus, I'm sorry if I've got it all wrong. But all you've been saying – and yes, I am drunk now, but that has no importance – it just makes me feel like it's me you're talking about. If it isn't, then just bloody tell me. I can't take this any more. I can't deal with all these secrets. It's driving me insane, even more than being in this stupid shithole of a house.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: Lykaios here again. Another update. I bought DH and finished it in about 4 to 5 1/2 hours. It was good. So in celebration of everyone getting and reading DH, an update. Oh, I didn't talk to Oz, but she _was_ on MSN the other day. So I'm assuming all is well. And here IT is, the chapter that you all have been waiting for!

Disclaimer: I (nor Oz) own the lyrics in this letter. They belong to their rightful owner(s). No money is being gained by using aforementioned lyrics.

* * *

_Salut mon cher_, Sirius,

I suppose that your insane sense of logic might work. But I do believe that you could act hyper even if you were depressed.

I could do without the marshmallows, but the chocolate sauce sounds just fine with me. Maybe some caramel? Sounds delightful.

Only you would have lessons in logic and still see it fit to not use the aforementioned lessons. Okay, sometimes you do use logic, but not all of the time.

See, look at that! You're locked in that damn room and they're hardly feeding you! And you tell me that I'm not allowed to kill them. Would you be terribly angry at me if I did it anyway? I don't think that you'd really stay mad at me _that_ long.

You know what's odd? The fact that you're always trying to protect me, from _everything_, but you never let me protect you. Hell, you never even just allow me to _say_ it.

Paddy, you're a growing boy. _Non_, a young man. You need more than just one meal a day. And by Merlin, _**someone**_ needs to worry about you. It seems that all fingers are pointing towards me.

On a lighter note, I'm glad to know that you're happy. But, we will eventually have more homework. Sorry.

Okay, so if I were Minnie, would I just be named "Minnie" but really be me? Because as of your last letter, it was me in the bra. Not McGonagall. Erm, you know what? I'm not entirely sure I want to know about the sexual fantasies starring you and McGonagall.

I told you Porter was okay. It's not like I had gone out, just met him, and asked him for a quick shag. And he's not a Snape-kind of guy.

Hmm…the picture. I didn't think that he was all that dangerous looking. The scar - I think he said that a girl in his neighbourhood pushed him off a bike.

I knew that he had his arm around me. And…he might or might not have been touching my arse. Wouldn't you have looked pleased with yourself? If you were touching someone's arse?

The erotic sock dance should be performed at a time and place so that I could make it, since it's a one-time offer. What if I wanted to see it twice, would you do it twice?

It was believed that Shakespeare was, infact, bisexual. But some people believe there was just a intense friendship between him and his muse.

I reckon that I would dominate then, but I'm not entirely sure. I've not tested that theory out.

I refuse to believe anything would be _**that**_ much easier if I were a woman. Okay, _**some**_ things would be easier, but I like myself as a guy. I think I would look (and be) incredibly awkward with breasts. Which I probably why I'm gay, yes?

Oh, so you like my French, _oui_? Have you taken French lessons? You seem to have taken lessons in everything else.

Awww, Siri! I make you feel safe? Well, anytime you feel sick, just come and lie in my bed. Okay? I **always** believe you when you're sick.

You won't die anytime soon. Because I said so. And by Merlin, I deserve one favour, right?

You should be happy! Oh, the things you _**can**_ do with my mouth. I want…your…fingers, I think. Yes, yes, I want your fingers.

Smiling at him shyly? That's supposed to get him? That obviously doesn't work. And I'll tell you why. Because I've certainly tried it already.

You are _**too**_! Nice, that is. What makes you think that you're not nice? I think you're quite lovely actually. As long as we're friends.

The nicknames do sound a bit gay, but who cares? Not me, I say. That song is by David Bowie. Yes, it was, indeed, one of Porter's.

_'People stared…Laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace…And Lady Stardust sang his songs…And he was awful nice. Really quite paradise. Femme Fatales emerged from shadows to watch this creature fair. Boys stood upon their chairs to make their point of view. I smiled sadly for a love I could not obey.'_

Of course your fingers are better than Porter's.

And about Snape…Well, I wouldn't really shag someone he liked in front of him. Because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't want **anyone** to do that to me. So, I lied. I wouldn't do it. You see the difference between the things you say to Severus is that you more than often mean them. See, I lied about it. So it doesn't count. …………..Okay, I guess it really does depend on who it is that he's liking at the moment. It's not like I'd just go shag some random Hufflepuff because he's taking a fancy towards him or her. I can be "malicious", as you put, it if I need to.

::Blows raspberries:: I can't help some of the kinks I've got! Actually, I don't think I've really got that kink. I don't think I've ever really tried it. Because while we did, in fact, do it in a museum, no one was really around.

Are you trying to say that Morning Glories, Honeysuckles, and Moon Flowers are like me? Okay, I can kind of understand the Moon Flowers. But the Morning Glories and Honeysuckles…explain it to me.

I don't believe that I have eaten Honeysuckle before. I might have to go trekking around to find some and try it.

I resent being named as a cuttlefish, and a smelly one at that.

Yes, Peter could have tried to find new friends, but you know how Peter is. Plus he just loves James (and _**you**_) so entirely much. ::flutters eyes lashes::

Oh poor diabetics! They will never be able to know and savour the simple pleasures of Sirius Black. Woe unto them!

Chocolate covered pretzels are the best. **Ever. **I'm not entirely sure I want to know what Pete is keeping under his bed nowadays.

Unfortunately I do have some personal experience with teeth. Sometimes they're not too great. But more often than not, they're quite enjoyable.

You'll be glad to know that Porter had his downfalls. The aforementioned teeth incident, as well as not being able to keep up with me. Is my little puppy happy now? Knowing that the big, bad Porter isn't perfect? He's seriously not, Pad. And there's nothing going one between us now, other than friendship.

I never said that I believed what everyone at Hogwarts says about you. Just that I've heard some of the things that they've said.

It's okay. I just don't really understand why you're taking it so…harshly.

I'll have you know that I can count. And I learned a long, long time ago. Before I even knew anyone from Hogwarts. When I was small with big eyes, missing teeth, and many more freckles than I've got now.

Oh! Yes! That amazing wit of yours entertains me all of the time. But I think it's nice that you can do all of those things. You'll have to show me some time.

Please Siri!!! Lemme see the drawings! I don't think you're creepy! I'm sure that if I could draw, I would use you as a model. Please let me see them! _S'il vous plaît_?!

Just don't hurt Regulus too badly. You'll get into more trouble if you do.

_Je vous parlerai plus tard_,

Remus

P.S. - I'm glad to hear that your guy is wonderful.

P.P.S - You're the one who told me to punch the guy that I like in the bloody first place! Besides, I wouldn't want to hurt you. Unless of course you really deserved. Is it you, Sirius? Is it you? You? Fucking gorgeous you? No, you've got it all right. Of course it's you. It's always been you! It's always been you, Sirius, and it will always be you. And of course, I sat by because you were off frolicking with your girls. And do you want to know why it's you?? Because, you don't look at me with disgust even though you know what I am. Ya know? It could be that you've got the greatest personality. Or because you always cheer me up. Or because you know the real me, and you accept it. But it's not the "oh-dear-gods-he's-a-werewolf-let's-pretend-to-be-his-friend' acceptance. But the true "Remus-'Moony'-John'-Lupin-if-you-ever-need-anything-you-just-call-me-and-when-I-say-anything-I-mean-anything" credence.

Because you're gorgeous. Because even though you're such an asshole to Snape, you can be so caring towards me, James, and sometimes even Peter.

Because I look at you and think, that if I could, I would give you every damn thing you could ever want if you'd only smile for me once. Just once. Or maybe because you have the most delicious looking hands in the entire history of hands and I'm always transfixed whenever you run your hand through your hair. Not only because you've gorgeous hands and gorgeous hair. But because you're so perfectly picturesque. Because I'm bewitched by every move you make, whether it's a huge leap or a muscle spasm of your eyebrow area.

Perhaps it's the fact that you smell so good that I want to sniff you thoroughly every time you get close because I just can't find where that particular scent lingers the strongest. Or it could be the fact that your hard, toned body seems to just be made to fit with mine. And your jutting hip bones are delectably mouthwatering.

And it's just so much more than looks. I don't just want you to smile because it's beautiful, but because you deserve it. Because it means you're happy and I want you to be happy. Always.

You're fucking wonderful, you know? Even though you're one of the most stubborn people that I have ever met! And because you're the damn prettiest star that I've ever damn well seen. And I just can't help it.

I love you.

There's so much more to it. I know what you're thinking, how can there be anymore? But it's entirely too much to write. So I'll just have to leave it at that.

P.P.P.S - You know, you really shouldn't be drinking. Who knows what they'll do to you. Just be careful, okay?

P.P.P.P.S - You think that you can't deal with the secrets? I didn't **exactly **_**want**_ to lie to Porter. I didn't exactly _**want**_ to lie to you! But I'm not the only damn one with secrets, Sirius Black. I'm gonna send this letter now so I can go write to Porter.

If want to hate me now, feel free to do so.


	31. Chapter 31

Disclaimer: Neither I (Lykaios) nor Oz own Harry Potter, nor are we making a profit off of this fanfiction. It's just for fun.

A/N: Lykaios again. I think we have one more chapter that's written out fully before we start running into a wall of unfinishedness. I talked to Oz on the 23 of July and we were talking about where we want this story to go; how things can or cannot go. I'm not sure we've got all the talks out, because as we're writing in letter format it's hard for things to actually happen in action. Hopefully, we can get all of the kinks worked out and start writing again. I won't be starting college this coming fall, so I might be able to get past this stupid writer's block and whip stuff up. Hopefully you all will enjoy this chapter as much as I did because it was fun for me to read when Oz sent it to me. Anyway, I'm rambling and I'm sure that you all would like to get on with the letter. Anyway...drop us reviews...because we eat reviews for breakfast (maybe even second breakfast and elevensies) and of course breakfast is the most important meal of the day (or so I've been told). Thanks to all who've reviewed, favourited the story, alerted the story, alerted the author(s), and/or favourited the author(s).

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Remus.

I can't hate you.

I love it when you talk French, you know. It makes you sound all intelligent, and I know you are anyway, but I dunno… it's sexy too, Remmie poo. I've never been able to do it – languages bored me. Yes, like everything else, but I was no good at languages.

Logic lessons were BORING. I used to kick Regulus under the table, and then he'd get into trouble for moaning. Great times, childhood.

You don't need to protect me, Remus. I can look after myself – and I won't ever starve. I think my parents would stop short of that. Probably… and don't worry, at some point I'll probably leave. It gets more tempting and tempting every single day. And don't kill them, I don't want you to be killed. I don't like it when you worry, either. I feel guilty that I've… hurt you. I'm sorry.

Everyone has had a crush on a teacher. Minnie is mine. Come on… when she goes all stern, and stares down at you, doesn't it just give you tingly feelings? Your penis must be disconnected from your eyesight.

A one time offer, repeated? Remus, my dear, this erotic sock dance might destroy the world if it's performed twice. But… you know what… just for you. And I'll even let you name the times and places. I'm feeling generous.

Shakespeare was so gay. No man can write poetry like that and be straight. Or not a transsexual. And they didn't do that in those days.

Breasts are good for some things. They're a bit squishy.

I'll take you up on that sick offer. Next time I get a headache you're fetching the cold flannels.

I'm not nice because – argh. Too many things. Most of which I'm building up to.

I like that song… kinda suits me, huh? I think I'd like to hear it. Even if it is Porter's.

Snivellus deserves everything he gets. Shag people in front of him. Hex him to the sky. The only decent thing that you can say about him is the fact that he doesn't run to the other Slytherins to protect him. Mind, that's only because they all hate him too.

Everyone's an exhibitionist really. And a museum definitely beats my kinkiest place for having sex – well… I suppose there were actually people in the library when I was there.

I dunno about the flowers… there's just something about them. Don't ask me, I'm no good with flowers. They're pretty.

There's lots of good things about cuttlefishes. They… um… they're alive. That's good. And there's other things, I know there are, but I can't remember them right now.

Peter's a bit of a wimp. You have other friends, and so does James. I know I don't, not really, but that's coz everyone else bores me. They're ok for short talks (or snogs) but not for actually being with. Peter just likes the fact that we're here to make him look more popular.

Look at me and my obviously depressing view today – I'm sorry, Rem.

For diabetics, I'm sure we could find a sugarfree version of me. Wouldn't taste as good, obviously.

Maybe you should believe some of the things they say in Hogwarts… after all, no smoke without fire?

Aw, now I want to see pictures of you when you were young! I think I've seen one… you were a cute kid, weren't you? The kind that people coo over in shops.

Rem… I don't want you to see the drawings. They don't do you justice – I can't get your eyes quite right. You never look as alive as you normally do. Although there is one that I'm proud of, and you look all sad and stuff. It was one night, James and Pete were playing chess, and you were staring at the moon – it was a couple of days after. You didn't notice me staring.

Regulus wouldn't tell on me. Mother wouldn't find out. And Regulus would probably respect me more if I hit him, rather than trying to rise above it. Actually… maybe I'll wait until we're back at Hogwarts. Easier that way.

Drinking is ok. I'm locked in my room, it's not like I can get hurt.

I have no idea what the French meant,

Sirius.

PS - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I really am a twat who should just stay here in this house – because I've hurt you over the years.

PPS - I… I'm sorry. I never knew it was me – how was I supposed to? Merlin… I thought you were smart, you know? I thought you _knew_ not to get interested in me. Because I'm such a stupid stupid cock that I couldn't see you were in love with me, even though I claim to be in love with you.

There's the biggest fuck up of all, you see – I'm crazy for you.

That's why you're always in my sodding thoughts, that's why I'd give anything just to be able to stay with you for the rest of my life, that's why even the thought of Porter makes me want to shout and scream until me or him is dead. Every time I think of you I hate myself, because you're just so goddamn perfect that I'm not worthy.

I can't do this as eloquently as you, despite all the intelligence and stuff. All I know is – I love you, worship you, wish I could be with you for the rest of my days. And it scares me, because I know what I'm like, and I don't want to lose the friendship I have with you. It's what keeps me sane, and if I was to screw us up and you hated me I don't know if I could live with myself.

I've loved you ever since I saw you, I think. Not that I knew it then. I just knew that I wanted you, I wanted to protect you. I think… I have a low attention span, you know that, but you're interesting enough that I think I could be with you for years and never know everything about you. And you're clever, and when you get all shy and look down at the table my heart stops.

Um… yeah. I'm crap at this, aren't I?

I thought I was safe, loving you from a distance. Because I thought you were perfect, too good for this world, and that no one would ever taint you. But… I'm sorry, Re, for fucking everything up beyond belief.

I understand, you know, if when we get back you don't want to see me anymore. For me being a cock, and everything.

I'm sure Porter was lovely. Sorry for being a cock about him


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: Lykaios here. I received a letter from Oz the other day. Squees So I wrote her back. Now, this certainly doesn't mean that we will be updating faster. But I suppose it won't take as long as what it would have before. **Anyway...there might be a word that looks like /this/. Well that means it was crossed out, but is still a bit legible.**

**Disclaimer: **Neither I, nor Oz, own Harry Potter and/or related characters/places/names, etc. We're not making any money off of this.

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Sirius,

It is nice to know that you can't hate me. I'm glad.

_Non_! Sirius got bored with languages? I'm stunned. Truly stunned. Honestly though, you seem like one who would know many languages and use them to woo everyone within a centimetre of your vicinity.

It's not that I need to protect you, Sirius. I _want_ to. You can't possibly say that I'm not allowed to _want_ right? Well if they don't stop short of it, then I will kill them. And you'll already be dead - on account of them starving you - and you won't be able to be so mad at me you won't talk to me. And then I'll get in trouble with the Ministry and they'll /kill/ _put me down_. But then at least I'll be there to talk to you, right? And you can't possibly stay mad at me for **all **of eternity.

No, McGonagall's sternness and stare-downs don't get me hard. There's this little thing that's called "**Remus-Lupin-is-Gay"** that keeps it from happening. And even if I wasn't gay, ew. No, she still wouldn't. I will have you know that my penis isn't disconnected from my eyesight (even though no one's penis is connected to their eyesight, if you want to be logical about it).

I'm swooning at the fact that you would perform the highly dangerous erotic sock dance twice because I asked. _Times_ and _places_? You are feeling generous! Except I really have no idea when this should be performed. So while I do appreciate the generousness you have so kindly showed - I wallow in it - I'll leave it up to you to decide these important facts.

Breasts are good for nothing, unless you're a woman and you're feeding your child. But I wouldn't do that even if I were a woman. So blah. Breasts are no good.

Of course! I'll keep the cold flannels nearby.

You really don't believe me when I say that you're nice, do you? Well that's shite, Black. And you _know_ it.

I like to think that the song suits you. It's good. _Nice_ even. And technically it's not Porter's. He just played it for me.

Snape is not that bad. I'm not going to hex him. Unless ,of course, he hexes me first.

Oh, Merlin, Sirius! The Library! _My_ Library! I weeping now. Weeping, large, wet, sad, tears.

I'm just kidding. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to look at the Library the same way. And technically, there were people in the Museum, I just don't think that there were people in the same part of the Museum as what Porter and I were in.

My poor Library…

Good Merlin! Cuttlefish are alive? Well I suppose that is a good thing. I'd rather hate to be dead by myself.

I didn't say that I didn't believe any of it. Just not all of it.

No, no picture of little me for you unless I get to see the drawings of me from you. I didn't expect to look alive on paper, because well then there would be a problem. Because there'd be the real me, and the paper me. I don't think I'd like that. Who knows what that Paper Remus would get into.

Just be careful drinking, yeah? You seem to get into trouble without meaning to.

You should never, never, _ever_ stay in that house. No matter how big of a twat you are. Do you understand me? I'll come to that damn house myself and get you out if I have to. Don't think that I won't do it, Sirius.

I am smart. And I suppose that I was smart enough to "know" not to get interested in you. But obviously, my _**stupid **_heart decided that my brain was entirely wrong. Do you think that I _didn't_ try to talk myself out of it? I went through the entire "no" stage. "**He's straight. He's your friend. He's Sirius.**" But it all just came back to** "He's brilliant. He's beautiful. He's loyal. He's pack. He's Sirius.**" So then I started on myself. "**I'm a werewolf. I'm scarred. I'm **_**not**_** beautiful. I'm a pale, scrawny, bookworm of a Gryffindor. I'm Remus. But he's Sirius.**" That's practically what my arguments consisted of. I can't help it Sirius. I can't help but fucking love you.

The French meant, "I'll talk to you later".

Remus

P.S. I've tried to word this differently in my head. But I just can't get it right. It never conveys the emotion that I want it to, that I _need_ it to. So here goes.

FUCK YOU, Sirius Black. I'm sorry that I've loved you for so long and not fucking told you. And I'm sorry that I have fucking needs, and fucking feelings, and that I'm not just some statue up on a pedestal.

I'm not perfect, Sirius. I'm far from it. Far, far from it. I'm a werewolf. A half-blood. Gay. Scarred. I'm a goddamned monster! I'd rather read than play Quidditch for God's sake! And obviously now I'm _tainted_, more so than I was before.

I would never hate you, Sirius. Never. Could never hate you.

You are being a cock, you know. You can't lose the friendship you have with me. Unfortunately, or fortunately, for you…you're stuck with me. Forever. And I suppose that since I should know not to be interested in you and now I'm tainted…we'll just be friends, if that's what you want.

I've gotta go…I'm going out.


	33. Chapter 33

A/N: Lykaios here. I'm so incredibly, utterly sorry about how late this is. Seriously. Though, I do have a good reason for it. I've got a shitty work schedule at an AT&T call center. I work from 1:15 to 10:15 p.m. Mon-Fri. Which sucks ass. lol. Seriously. But the pay is good. Which means I sleep until about 10:30 or 11:00 and scramble to get ready so I can get there on time. So I bow down to all of you in the most sincere way and humbl(e)y beg for you forgiveness. And also your forgiveness because I don't know how to spell humbl(e)y and I'm not even sure if it is a word. Please drop a review. Oz and I do love to read them so much.

* * *

Remus,

Hating you would probably mean that I was dead. Or at the very least delirious that you've done something utterly, utterly terrible. Like… like shagged Minnie and not invited me to watch.

Do not use sarcasm. It is the lowest form of wit, I'll have you know. I know a bit of Italian, a bit of German… you see, the French never did much in the way of BIG DARK SPELLS. Whereas the Germans and the Italians did. But I don't think being able to say 'the pureblood supremacy will out' would help me to woo many people.

I'm not a shrinking violet Remus. But maybe you do want to, for some stupid chivalrous reason. And I'll let you, but not if you die. If you die in protecting me, then I damn well will ignore you for **all** of eternity. You set me a challenge there, and you know what I'm like with them.

You have to love Minnie! She makes that tartan nightdress sexy. And I know I'd much rather have my cock in an arse than a vagina (oh how I hope Mother's reading this now and turning apoplectic), but well… I think everyone's gay for McGonagall. In the good old fashioned sense of gay. And Remus, talking about eyesight? I thought you were better than that. Less shallow. Minnie has inner beauty. Which shines forth. She's practically a Veela.

Right, first night back at Hogwarts, we're locking James and Peter out of the dormitory so I can dance for you. The second occasion shall be saved until I think you need cheering up. I mean, obviously Prongs and Wormy can't see it. Their tiny brains would explode, and I don't want to have to pick Potter interior out of my hair. It'll get all greasy.

Breast milk is supposed to be good for children. Would you condemn your child to a life of idiocy, merely because you were repulsed by the squidgy things on your chest? Snape probably wasn't breastfed. He was probably given rat poison as a child. Pity it didn't work.

Give me one incident where I have been nice, Remus. And to someone who isn't you. You're quite obviously a special case.

Will you play the song for me? Like, find it somehow and play it when I see you? I can't really go trundling out to a Muggle shop. I'd probably end up buying the entire place by accident.

Snape is too that bad. Times by one more than you can ever say. Ha. Beat my logic, Moonboy. He wants to hex you, I can see it in his sneaky little weird eyes.

Your library. Just think… you'll never know where it was… was it on a table? Or up against one of the stacks, those books pressing into my spine… having sex in the library would be an amazing turn on for you, Lupin, and don't deny it.

I think a first year may have seen. At least she was struck down with hysterical blindness until I did a memory charm on her. And don't come over all prefecty, removing the images was the right thing to do. If she'd been a third year, however, I would've left the memories. Educational. I'm all for that.

There's that sarcasm again. Stop it. Cuttlefish are amazing. I was actually complimenting you at the time, but if you're going to be like this… I retract the statement.

See, believe the thing about the library. And if you heard anything about Moaning Myrtle… I swear I didn't know she was in there. If you didn't know about that incident, forget all about it and nothing happened.

Fine. I'll swap one drawing for one photo. But you're not allowed to tell me I'm creepy for staring at you.

Paper Remus would probably have orgies with the words. One, because you're rather kinky, and two, because I've never seen anyone quite as orgasmic when reading. I swear when you see a good book it's like you've just opened a hardcore porn mag.

Not much trouble I can get up to in a _locked room_, Moony. Alcohol makes the days go quicker. And I'll leave soon. Either I'll come of age and leave, or Mother'll finally pop a vein and disown me. Equally entertaining, I think you'll find.

You're beautiful, even if you don't realise it. When you dip your head, when you're embarrassed, your hair falls into your eyes and it makes my heart ache. And your eyes – fuck, Remus, have you ever seen them? They're like… they're just _wow_. And all the girls fancy you. Because you're shy, and polite, and yet they don't even get to see the spark that makes you so alive.

Am I allowed to be jealous of Porter now?

Sirius

PS You know we're obviously completely screwed up? Both of us? We can only discuss the things that really matter in these little bits on the end. I dunno what you're doing, mate, because for me these are written in like the last five minutes before I really have to let the letter go coz Mother is throwing curses at my bedroom door. And we've practically just proclaimed our love for each other, and yet you hate me.

Remus Lupin, I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with you. I think you're amazing, I worship the ground you walk upon. When I lie in bed at night it's _you_ who's there with me, feeding me strawberries and stuff.

And don't get mad about what I said about you being tainted. I'm sorry, ok? What I meant was… well, to me, you've always been absolutely perfect. And while you were absolutely perfect, you were untouchable, and that meant my obsession with you was safe. Because I've never been in love before, and it scared me. Because I didn't think myself worthy of you. And if no one could have you, then I had the best of both worlds.

Only now you're actually having sex, and that means that I hate everything, because it should be me with you. And I want it to be me.

But you hate me. And don't say 'no I don't, I just said I don't'.

I'd give up my entire family, not that that would be such a loss, if it meant I could spend eternity with you. And now that I've been soppy enough to last us both a lifetime I'll send this and hope that Mother's got bored.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N: GUYS! I am SO sorry about the lateness of this post. Incredibly, incredibly sorry. I bow humbly at everyone's feet. Anyway, been incredibly busy. Still on that stupid schedule. Anyroad, this is the last letter that has been written(wrote???). So the other one may be a loooooonng time coming, b/c I've not heard from Oz in a while. Anyway, I certainly think that you all will enjoy this chapter...letter...thing ("You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing" "That rules you out, Pip.") ----Sorry, LotR moment. Anyway, enjoy; I'm sorry; and hopefully we can get this finished for you all.

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Sirius,

Why, exactly would I shag McGonagall? And if I guess that if I did, I would have to invite you to watch yes? Otherwise you would hate me with a burning passion for not letting you see your dear ol' Minnie. And that would be bad, of course.

Oh, sure. You could always use the phrase 'the pureblood supremacy will out' to woo…uhmm…Amaranth or Acacia. Hell, anyone in Slytherin really. They go for that kind of stuff, you know.

No matter what you say, you wouldn't ignore me. Don't you remember that time in 4th year when you got mad at me for studying Potions with Severus? You said you weren't going to talk to me for the rest of the year. And that lasted about a day and a half.

But, I suppose I'll just protect you from the sidelines if that'll make you happy. Although, that in itself is contradictory. Oh well.

Oh, come off it. Looks have nothing to do with it. You're the one who brought up the eyesight issue anyway. I'm sure she was lovely when she was younger, but I just don't find Minerva attractive, at all. Sorry. Considering that I'd rather have a cock up my arse than have my cock in a vagina, it won't happen.

Oh, yes. Everyone is just good old fashioned gay for McGonagall. What? That's a bit off.

Sure you wouldn't want to pick James's inside from your hair. Sure as hell wouldn't want to get it greasy, would you? Because, I have a striking hunch that Severus would tease the hell out of you for it.

Sirius, you really shouldn't say such awful things about Severus. He _is_ quite smart, you know.

Just because I wouldn't breastfeed my child, doesn't mean that it would be stupid. Hell, any child of mine couldn't be stupid. I get bugged enough about reading books from you guys enough to know that my hypothetical child would be very smart.

You just gave me an instance in which you were nice, to someone other than me. You put a memory charm on that first year so she wouldn't be horrified by the sight of you and someone else having sex in the library. Plus, you're nice to James. You _used_ to be nice to Regulus. _You_ told me that. You're nice to Minnie. And you're nice to most of Gryffindor. And Dumbledore…Need I go on?

Sure, I'll let you listen to the song. Could send it in a letter. Or you could listen to it before you performed the (highly anticipated and probably much sought after) Erotic Sock Dance.

Severus is _not_ that bad! And I will beat your logic. Because you said (and I quote) "Snape is too that bad. Times by one more than you can ever say." _I_ wasn't the one saying that Severus _is_ that bad.

Well, Severus has had many chances to hex me and he hasn't done it yet.

I never denied that having sex in the library would turn me on. I just don't want to think about you having sex in the library with only you, him/her, and God knows (oh and that first year that had a "memory lapse") who. Merlin knows, I love books and the library.

You were complimenting me? On what, exactly? Being a stinky, crazy fish-thing or being alive?

I hadn't heard anything about Moaning Myrtle, but obviously something had to have happened. Otherwise you wouldn't want me to forget that you had said it.

Fine, I'll enclose a baby photo and you had better send a drawing with your next letter. Or show me one on the first day of school. Sirius, it's a great honor to have someone to find you interesting enough to draw you. I won't think that you're a creep. Artists have to stare at the one they sketch.

Paper Remus probably would have orgies with words. Which is quite scary if you think about it. I can't help it that I like a good book. Books are great. Books are wonderful. Books are…well books (not hardcore porn magazines).

One: You're Sirius. You could find a way to get into trouble if you were all alone in a cardboard box. Two: You're a Marauder. Sufficient enough, yes? Three: You'll become an alcoholic. Do **not** drink every day Sirius Black, or else.

All the girls do not fancy me. And yes, I've seen my eyes. A bit of a champagne colour. Seems a bit odd. No one else has the same colour eyes that I do. Makes me a bit self-conscious, it does.

I suppose if you want to be jealous of Porter, go on ahead. I just don't think you should hate the bloke when you've never met him before. Oh, he says hello again. I suppose that he could write that himself, but I think he's in the living room. Maybe the kitchen.

Are you trying to say that the above text is unimportant? I must disagree. I think that me scolding you about _not _drinking every day is important. I think the bantering about McGonagall is important. Paper Remus and his orgies are important…etc, etc.

But just to make you happy there won't be any P.S.s in this letter.

I normally read the letter once. Then, I reread and write my response. Unless I'm in a hurry. Then I just read and write my response at the same time.

I never said that I hated you. And even though you told me not to I'm going to say it anyway. I don't hate you. I just said that I didn't hate you. And as a matter of fact, I said that in the letter before this one, I believe.

Hmmm, I don't believe that I knew you liked strawberries. You never seemed to before. Especially those chocolates with the strawberries in the middle.

How am I not supposed to get mad at what you said? Why is it that you can go off and have sex with whomever you please, but if I have sex with one person I'm suddenly _tainted_ (at least, even more so than I already was)? Whether you liked to believe it, I _do_ have feelings and I _do _have needs.

How could I have been _untouchable_?

I can't be alone for the rest of my life, Sirius. I _refuse_ to be. I refuse to be some statue with only the birds that shit on his head for company. And I won't say that I'm sorry for letting Porter shove his cock up my arse. Because I'm not.

I do love you, Sirius. I do. But sometimes, you just don't think of about others' feelings when you say things. More often than not, those things are hurtful. And even if you don't realize it, they're directed at me.

Or maybe, they just come out the wrong way?

Love is a scary thing, Sirius. But you can't blame everything on it.

Why did you think that no one could have me? Because it's me? Or because of your feelings?

And even after all of this crazy tainted talk, I still love you.

I love you.

And your mother had better gotten bored. Because if she would've touched one hair on your head…well you know the rest I suppose.

Anyway, I've got to step into the shower. Porter and I are going to some record shop or something.

Love,

Remus

_Hey, Sirius. I'm sure that I'm probably the last one you want to hear from. And even though I don't know you, I figured I'd give it a shot. You know, you really hurt Remus's feelings with what you said. And no, I've not read any of the letters, not even the above text. _

_And I just want you to know, that if you hurt Remus again, you'll be in so much pain you won't be able to even see straight. You'll be in so much pain that you'll regret ever hurting Remus. Ever. _

You say that you love Remus, but with the shit you're spewing to him about being tainted and on a pedestal(he told me some of what you said) really hurts him. And I _**don't**__ like seeing him hurt. At all. _

I know I'm coming off as some possessive berk , but it's the truth, Sirius. I don't want him to hurt. At all. Anyway…I think I hear Remus coming, so I better wrap this up and give it to his owl so it can be sent off. Just please don't hurt him. 

_Porter_


End file.
